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My newfound college life
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2019-01-09 02:47:21 (UTC)

A closed door

Dear Diary,
You will pull your hair out when I tell you this but I will never be Randolph because I never got to audition for his character. I thought auditions were today at the university when I arrived on campus, I learned that they had already occurred yesterday. I never bothered to double check the date. I just assumed that my memory of auditions being on Tuesday was right but because of that mistake, that opportunity is lost forever. All that time and energy I spent on fantasizing about having the role and starring in the play was for nothing. The gasoline that my parents on driving me to the library in search of monologues was for nothing. The money I spent on a play to better understand a monologue was for nothing. No one at the theatre department will miss me. I was nothing. Sometimes, I wish I had been aborted. My parents could have a different, better son instead.

I was originally so nervous returning to the university. I battled the temptation to stay home because I didn't want to embarass myself, because I felt unwanted, because I felt that I wasn't going to get it anyway but I told myself that it's worth the effort, and now, I feel as if I've become paper.

Nothing hurts more than the stories I spin of myself, stories of success and happiness, that end up dissolving like cotton candy.