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Diary of Realizations
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2019-01-09 02:58:35 (UTC)

Yours Truly, CH

It wasn't the easiest of decisions to begin writing but I chose it. Two questions present themselves before me, why and what?
Why? I can never answer this question satisfactorily enough. If I think about it everyday, I will most certainly have different answers each day. What comes my mind at this moment, is what is call the writer's vision. Now, everybody's mind will conjure a different version of the term writer's vision, I'm not gonna monopolize mine, follow yours. This also answers some part of the second question. Depending upon your content your view of the world alters, like a Kaleidoscope. So choosing to be a writer, and deciding to write something everyday is like choosing to join Bullet Club, it becomes your life. There are many more trivial reasons to take up writing, the simplest is to measure your vocabulary power and enhance it, explore a wide range of emotions and increase your empathy, experience a whole new world everyday. Its a great way to stay lost, cuz you're not localizing yourself under any thought pattern.
And if you catch yourself in the act, just Kill your Darlings and ride the dragon of chaos. Sounds easy, right? Its even easier done.
Part of the answer to the first question can also be found in the second, so I shall move to the What part of the equation. What do I write about? I feel asking what is confining my area of thought and imagination. But its equally important to conisder the fact that my previous attempt at writing never really set of because of not taking this question seriously. My mantra or rather Sartre's mantra of follow the pen and do not look for words, made me write something superficial, not a thoughful one. Although I must admit I'm still in that mode, but atleast I have decided to depart from it, not entirely, because nobody can. Words always pop out of thin air, the best we can do it is to refurbish it in a good way. I feel like GRRM while I'm telling this hahahah. Before I pin down some topic, I need to search through my past for ideas, and topics, that I have crossed paths with. The reason why your past matters while deciding the content, is that your will able to write more naturally than straining yourself out. Atleast, I consider doing a background check obligatory for beginners like me. I will have to trace through my journey as a reader to before I can flag it. I started with religious literature of ISKCON, then went on to deeper philosophical versions of it. Its impossible to compile anything without the spice of philosophy. Even for someone as crazy as Chuck Palahniuk, philosophy does play its part in the books. Then comes Psyhcology, another inseparable part of any work. Both of these have been major research topics of my adult life so far. Although nowadays I've almost given up on both of them, but there only a snap of a finger away. Economics is something that I do not possess good understanding of, and Science, my old friend, I haven't turned in your direction for a while now. Carl Sagan would be sad knowing that. I can write erotica too. Trust me, although I've had no real encounters of the sexual kind, I have watched enough porn to keep my imagination running for years. I sometimes wish that I had done something else so thoroughly, something that I could show off to the world. But nevermind, given the circumstances I've been in, nothing would change even if I get another chance. I've wanted to be a teacher, for a while and maybe till this date, but never really got into anything. That's one void, I can ascertain. I wanted to enter a career like Academia or something that involves interaction with people not completely but for a good half. Right now, my job as a TAM in eCW I feel is nothing short of it. Nonetheless I'd like to keep moving, like one of the ex-mentors of my team, because exploration is how you keep it alive. The one thing I will never write though is a direct story of my life, I might drop in events, but I will always leave it open, and leaving plot holes everywhere. So, Yes, fiction it is gonna be, not so fantastic as you'd expect, cuz enough of wars. Postmodernism is attractive, and Romance is evergreen.
Singlehood is superb, Friendship is fun, Struggle is real, Pain is power, Fear is a farce, Anxiety is amazing, Independence is everything, balance is the key, fitness is fire, meditation matters, Truthfulness holds them all together. Life is passing away, if you smell what I'm cooking? Not me, not us, we ain't stuff, we all one, the Universe. Dating, Hating, Narcissism, Selfishness, Possessiveness, Madness, Aloneness, Companionship, Commitment, ....Bullshit.
I find myself getting moved by things easily. Whether its a quote, boss' comments or an answer from quora or a beautiful girl or a romantic song. Basically, I can't keep my feet on the ground, even where there is the slightest of provocations. I'm gliding, with no control, wow! This is Chaos. Instead of enjoying the ride, I find myself in a state of paranoia. This body can take it, but the mind fidgets so bad and camouflages reality and makes men battle invisible hyenas. Oh Jude St. Francis, I feel you! I don't to be wish any more stable than I am right now, and if God's watching me, I'm breaking the fourth, I have decided to mute the narration, so your mind, my God! I ain't giving myself away.

Caville Hansen.