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The Life Of "Mars".
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2018-12-26 08:39:19 (UTC)


Wednesday December 26th

Same usual routine today, except instead of being woken up by chickens I got woken up by my mom coming in my room. She said she needed my HDMI cable for something or whatever because hers wasn't working. I told her no and said to go away because I was pissed she came into my room and woke me up. She then started yelling at me and shit and I told her to just take it and fuck off because I was too tired to argue. It pisses me off that she came into MY room and started yelling at me when I was trying to sleep. Like fuck off dude.

I talked with Callum and Liam while we played For Honor. Tyler is going down to Christchurch to see Liam sometime early next year and it looks like Callum might be coming up to Nelson sometime in February or March.

Me and Eric were talking a bit about girls yesterday and how we both agree there's just those girls who have that look to them where you just want to fuck the shit outta em. He's got this one Asian girl he's been talking with for awhile, I dunno what she looks like but with how he's been going on about her I reckon she's gotta be cute. Plus I kinda got a thing for Asians, even though I've never even kissed one or anything like that. My old childhood friend Kai was Japanese though and she was pretty cool.

I've actually been thinking about love and girls and shit like that a lot recently. Like on a near daily basis. Dunno why. Puberty I guess?

I think I loved Jess, even though I was pretty young and she lived on the otherwise of the world. Hayley I definitely loved. Hell, I reckon deep down I probably still care about her to an extent. I mean I do, we're still friends and all and what not, but I think I might deep down care for her a bit more then just friends. Maybe.

Kayla, I liked a lot but I wouldn't say I loved her. I think I was really only sad and hung up on her for a week or two.

Looking back on it, I rushed into that relationship with Kayla. After Hayley pulled the whole stunt on me with dating another dude like a week or two after we broke up I think my mindset was, "Well if I officially make this girl mine straight away then I'll be safe." In hindsight it's easy to see that was a dumb idea. If someone really likes you, they won't care about rushing into a relationship or if there are other people who have their eyes on them. They'll just enjoy the time you two spend together. At least, that's how I think it works. Truthfully I don't think I'm that experienced with relationships and stuff.

The different girls I've had sex with well, I don't know. I don't think I ever had any type of feelings for them at all. I mean I think I might of had a small crush on Laura, but it wasn't enough to stop me from hooking up with other girls with her there, so we weren't ever gonna blossom into anything, obviously. I dunno, sex for me so far hasn't ever been meaningful. Hell, it feels nice and all and shit I'd reckon I'm alright at it for someone my age (I hope) but, ugh, the idea of being with someone who I love seems a lot more appealing now.

It's funny too because awhile back I could never imagine having sex with somebody who I actually cared about. I don't know. I think back then I would feel like I was degrading them. Defiling them? I don't know how to explain it. Maybe because so far I've been pretty rough with a lot of the girls I've been with. Like, hand around their throat, thumb in their mouth hand on their hips biting into their neck. Softly, of course. I dunno, I consider that sorta rough? I think the girls I've been with liked it too. I remember when I was with Jess she said she liked it and wanting me to keep going when I thought I was hurting her, so eh.

But anyway, now I think I could have sex with someone I cared about no problem. Although I dunno if I'd want to be too rough with them, at least not at first. Unless they asked me too, or something.

That leads me to another thing, I found out awhile ago I'm a switch. I think that's what they call it. It feels sorta embarrassing to type out but, I dunno. The idea of being submissive sounds really, really nice to me. Not like being fucked in the ass with a strapon or anything. Fuck that. But having someone else more in control, holding the reigns. Ahhh I dunno, I really like the sound of that. Almost more then being real rough with somebody, which is all I've ever done.

The thing is whenever I think about sex now it's usually me wanting to fuck my girlfriend (if I had one, that is). Which kind of makes me wonder, do I actually want a relationship right now or do I just want someone to fuck? I dunno. I don't ever wanna date someone just to fuck them cause that'd just completely mess up their emotions and shit yknow.

I already know what I want in a girl. Appearance wise I really don't think I'm that fussy. I wouldn't wanna date somebody hella taller then me, or somebody really fat. I'm talking like 200 pounds though. I kinda like girls who got some thighs and a lil belly. But someone who was skinny wouldn't be bad either. I don't really care about breast size or hair length/color. Don't really care about race either. Hygine is important though, but I don't think that's too much to ask for at all.

Kindness is a big thing though, I mean I don't care if they have their girls they hate and wanna rant to me about that's fine, I just mean I'd like em to be a decent person yknow. Not be mean to customer service or any other people like that. Someone who doesn't needeesly bully someone for the sake of it. I don't want someone who will talk shit about their friends to me either. That's a no go.

I think asking to be understood in my entirety is probably a bit too much to ask for. All I'd say I want is support, that ain't gotta understand why I'm upset about something, just be there yknow? A shoulder to lean on. Someone who I could turn to for support and not feel totally weak. That's what I think I'd want the most. Support.

Open mindedness. I like clingy to an extent, like I really like knowing that someone cares n misses me. That shit is nice. But I'd like someone who also understands I'm my own person with my own hobbies and what not.

Of course this is understanding that no person is ever perfect. Any girl I'd get would have her own flaws. Probably some annoying habits or whatever, but hey that's okay. Love, I think it'd be caring for that person, realizing that they're not a goddess or some perfect person who can never do wrong. I think it's seeing their flaws, the ugly side of them and still accepting them for who they are. I mean, that's kind of a rough idea I guess. What do I know?

I'm not looking for a relationship, honestly my mindset is if someone cool comes along then it'll happen. Otherwise I'll just keep doing me.

I'll probably run into somebody next year since I now gotta go out and do shit.

I managed to get some reading in today, I love Re Zero so much it's so good. I'm gonna go charge my phone and then read some more.