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The Life Of "Mars".
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2018-12-15 10:26:57 (UTC)

12-15-2018

Saturday December 15th

I'm not entirely sure if I can say life has been good or bad recently. It's been average, I'd say. For the most part my mom has been nice but half of me thinks that's because she might of overheard me talking about wanting to move out.

I ended up going to the appointment to talk to this guy named Mark. Basically his job is to help me get started with well, life. Finding a education or workplace, setting goals or trying to move out. Stuff like that. I think I actually lucked out with him because he seems really chill and nice. We talked for probably about forty minutes and our next meeting is in January. I told him I want to move out sometime next year and that I wanna do something with psychology. He gave me this one website where I gotta take a survey and it'll basically give me a list of potential jobs that might go well for me according to my answers on the survey. I haven't done it yet but I probably will tomorrow.

I got kind of annoyed at my mom today and almost completely lost my cool. I had to go register this ID thing and she kept insisting she do it so I let her, but when I came to ask about it she kept saying she'd do it later. So I asked her to just let me do it instead because not sorting it out was stressing me out. She refused at first which was irritating me because it was my thing to handle in the first place. So when I kept asking her to she pushed the laptop away and threw the mouse and yelled "fucking take it then." She tried to say something else but I cut her off before she did and told her to shut the fuck up. I didn't yell hard out but I definitely raised my voice. She tried to speak again and I said "Oh for the love of God just shut the fuck up I'm so fucking tired of you just shut up please." I grabbed the laptop and tried to do it myself but then I saw it was now on a totally different page which pissed me off even more so I just left the room.

I think I already was in a bit of a bad mood today considering the heat and the fact I got woken up by the fucking chicken again. But I've been pretty fed up with her recently that any minor thing that she does that annoys me just sends me on edge. I'd assume I'm just anxious recently.

I got hit with a wave of depression later on. I thought about what if my mom killed herself if I left her and no one found the body for ages because no one comes around. I'd obviously have to keep in regular contact with her. But it just made me even more sad. Then I got even more sad wondering if Jimi or Trouble would die as well from starvation. I ended up getting out of that mood, but yeah.

I'd say I'm lucky in a lot of areas, having Ian, someone who I genuinely trust, be fine and supportive of us moving out together, and this Mark guy able to help me get started off in life. But I can't help but feel disgusted with myself that I'd leave my mentally ill mother by herself, and I think worse of myself for not even feeling that bad anymore. Then I think I'm just being pathetic feeling sorry for myself. It's all really annoying.

I'm gonna probably go to bed soon.