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2018-12-11 10:46:56 (UTC)

For The First Time In Months

Tuesday, December 11th

Flatsound - We'll Live

Life has been a mixture of good and well, stress. With the amount of shit I've had to put up with recently whenever things seem to be going well I can't help but have a pessimistic mindset, wondering how long until I have to deal with shit again. More specifically my mom's Skizofrenic outbursts.

Ian told me he was considering moving out today since his cousin Nick offered him a place to stay, but he says he's ultimately still deciding. I was kind of surprised how sad it actually made me, and kind of made me almost think that I maybe have taken Ian for granted. Not entirely, I've been grateful for all the times he's brought me stuff out of sheer thoughtfulness, but I didn't think I'd actually be that depressed when he said he was considering it. It surprises me even more since I did used to joke about making him sleep at the park, although I stopped joking like that months ago.

Part of my reasoning for wanting him to stay might be kind of selfish. I mean, I feel I am at least kind of relying on him to help me move out. One on the financial side and the other one is because I genuinely feel like I might give in if my mom cried and pleaded enough for me not to move out.

The other thing is I've grown used to him being here, even though I've been woken up by him on the odd occasion when he was playing on the PS4 and even though we've gotten annoyed at each other a few times I genuinely do think I enjoy him being here. I think I probably would of gotten into a lot more arguments and fought a lot more with my mom if Ian wasn't here.

I tried to tell him I didn't really want him to move but I felt too weird saying it, maybe it got across maybe it didn't.

We sat down for a while and looked for potential places to move into which was good. I've got this appointment on Thursday so we'll see what happens then.

Thinking about Ian potentially leaving made me feel legitimately depressed until we started talking about different potential places to move into, so I can't imagine how sad it'll make my mom when I tell her.

We also spontaneously decided to walk into town, which was really fun. For the first time in months I went outside the house for something that wasn't just grabbing food or going to an appointment. Actually, I don't think I've properly been out since March.

We checked out the Miyazu Gardens, a place I haven't been since I was around ten. It's a Japanese styled place, it's pretty small but really nice.

We also stopped at a park and went to Burger King, went to the supermarket and eventually stopped off at his work.

While we were walking and talking about different things he brought up that last night my mom appreantly yelled at two different people with him there, which kind of pissed me off but honestly just made me feel more exhausted then anything. Like, I feel done with it yknow.

It's nice being able to actually talk to someone in person about it, since I've never had the luxury and it still is difficult to talk about sometimes, but I genuinely do feel it's getting easier to open up thanks to some of my friends, even if they're all mostly online buddies.

When we stopped at his work I kind of got reminded about how much I've lost my social skills. I walked in fully prepared to say hi and talk but when I actually got in front of his work mates I could barely say enough except nod. I mean, there's that and the music was really loud so it was also kind of hard to hear what was being said. I also got mistaken for his little brother, so that's cool.

Ian brought us these two really fancy brownies which were pretty tasty.

I'm starting to think that subconsciously I might be feeling kind of gulity about wanting to move out and how it'll effect my mom. It used to make me really sad but the more outbursts and events she had the more I stopped caring. It's gotten to the point where I genuinely didn't even feel that bad. Which kind of makes me think I'm a piece of shit in a way. But my mom said that I've been really nice to her recently. I haven't really noticed but I guess I have. Whenever I've been in the kitchen I'll now always ask if she wants anything like a coffee. I mean, it's not like I never did that before but now I do it every time. I didn't really think about it until now, but maybe deep down I still feel bad? I don't know.

Anyway that's all.