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2018-12-07 18:20:51 (UTC)

Went to Macy's upon waking ..

Went to Macy's upon waking up yesterday to pick up a sweater and a jacket which I shopped online. Then headed to the gym and got on stairmaster which I haven't in four, five months. I must go again today. Father cooked beans. It rained on my way to work. Sun illumined in some places but could not see its way through the dun clouds. Small wedges of blue skies peeped through in some places. Winds high. So to work. J.O. was not there; M.S. was there to work for him. A new orientee; African American, heavily made up, a little older. A.A. kept checking on me if I was okay. The truth is when the chaos of life falls peacefully to the grave, despite how we think that we are close friends, A.A. and I have completely different principles and values in life. She pulls me to her world of noise, gossip, servile laughter and unthinking spectrum, while I wish to remain in my sleepy conscience through the whispers of my own voice and thinking. She kept asking if I was okay, if I was alright, just because I would not talk to her as much, and laugh with her and act silly as I used to. It is quite dispiriting to think that perhaps the only value she places on our friendship was our wont to act silly and gossip about people. She is supposedly in love with a Jamaican man twice her age, named J., who is currently married, though in the process of a divorce; has a little boy; and who would give her his credit card so that she could spend it on whatever thing she pleases. Though I doubt that the man is fiscally endowed, for he had asked her at one point $60 for his rent. They have just met, and have been unstoppably seeing each other, having sex while high on weed; so what she told me, almost everyday. Surely they are under the spell of it, but surely, things like that won't last. And what then? Still, A.A would be fat, dark, perhaps broke, too. Anyhow, out of all the strings of events which led me to bed, somehow I am learning the true value of being honest to one's self and to other people. Honesty keeps one grounded. And so to keep it.