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The Life Of "Mars".
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2018-10-24 04:49:05 (UTC)

Is It Guilt

Wednesday October 24th

Today has been pretty good so far, aside from being woken up by those damn chickens.

Some stuff that I ordered online came today. My ring and half mask. I was right and I ended up ordering the wrong design, but it doesn't look as stupid as I thought it would. I'm still gonna try and order the actual design that I want. The ring I got is just a simple cheap band, but that's all I want. I didn't want anything expensive or particularly stylish.

Ian got some stuff as well. His hentai agheao shirt arrived plus this other weird smoke thing. I can't remember what else I ordered what is supposed to arrive besides another half mask.

I also wore one of my old hoodies that actually fits me better now, and I don't really remember why I ever stopped wearing it. It fits well and looks pretty nice.

I'm getting a bit better with Nobushi and brought an execution for her. The Halloween update is out for Terraria and since I want to try and eventually get the Platinum trophy for it I'm gonna try and grind it when I'm bored of For Honor and get all the event exclusives. Speaking of Platinum trophies I realized I'm two away from getting Borderlands 2 Platinumed. I wouldn't even say they're hard trophies, I just have to grind for them.

I don't know. Maybe because I'm in a better mood recently since I've actually been getting my sleep and my mom hasn't had some delusion. Maybe this whole good atmosphere has allowed me to be way more calm and think about things more clearly.

This one ad showed up on YouTube while I was playing music and I didn't really play attention to it but it was something about kids when they're way older like in their thirties/forties taking care of their parents. I then thought about my mom, and how she'd be taken care of.

My ideal future that I imagine myself in has me with a wife and kid. I could kind of imagine my mom being an old woman, being afraid of my new wife because she thought she thought she was plotting to kill me. Or maybe thinking my kid wasn't mine.

I pictured her being in a retirement home because her living with me would be too difficult. I pictured two different scenarios. She was either content with where she was, and believed the other people in the retirement home with her, much like how she believed certain people in the mental hospital she was in were "her people" and more specifically that some of them were her husbands. The other scenario I pictured was her being afraid and scared, thinking that the staff there were out to get her. I imagined her being alone and afraid asking why her husbands weren't there. Why they hadn't shown up. She believes she'll live forever and that she'll just get a new body when she dies. I'm scared thinking how upset she'll be if she realizes she's aging in ten, twenty years.

Maybe me thinking all of this is some sort of gulit. Since despite knowing that she can't control her beleifs I still get angry with her. I don't know. I guess we'll see what the future brings, yeah.

Peace,
-Mars