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The Life Of "Mars".
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2018-10-20 13:34:26 (UTC)

A Silver Lining (?)

Sunday October 21st

A lot of the times when I write an entry in here and I bring up my mom it's usually something negative. I feel like I should at least give her some praise, despite how much has pissed me off recently.

I don't think I can really ever recall being hungry. Like, really hungry and there being virtually nothing to eat hungry. I've been hungry sure but it can usually be attributed to me just being fussy, which I am if we're being honest. Sometimes there is a lack of food right before my mom's pay day before she buys groceries, but that can't really be helped.

Although I often find the excessive amounts of cleaning she sometimes does to be really annoying, I've never really worried about a cluttered and messy house. My clothes are always clean and sometimes she'll make my bed without me asking when I go out or if I go in the shower. It can get annoying when she washes clothes that I've only worn once, but she means well I suppose.

Despite us having a pretty low income, due to her not having a job because of her being a Skizofrenic, I'd say I'm pretty well off. I've got a queen sized bed, a nice good quality medium sized TV. Two shelves, some draws. A PS4 and a fair amount of games. This is all without us actually ever coming close to being financially in trouble. My mom is actually pretty well at managing finances. I don't usually ask her for things because I don't really even want things a lot of the time, but when I do ask her for things if it's within her price range she'll usually try and get it for me. Like games on the PlayStation store, the poster I got recently. Clothes. Stuff like that.

She lets me drink alcohol. Well, you could argue that it's not the best thing for a mother to let her son to do, technically under New Zealand law I'm of the age where it's not illegal if I have a guardian present, but I'm allowed to. I haven't drunken any in months, but I do have a bottle of Jack Daniels just sitting on my shelves partly as decoration if for whatever one day I get really fucking depressed and want to get drunk. As sad as that sounds.

She hasn't teased me for liking anime. It's a weird one to list on I know, but I've heard from some people that their family mocks them for it, so I don't know. I don't think I've been teased for any of my personal interests. She's probably thought that one of my interests was dumb or cringy at some point, but she's never said it to me or made it apprant atleast.

I'm usually asked if I want breakfast. Sometimes I'll turn it down but most mornings as long as we haven't somehow had a argument the moment I've woken up she'll ask me. Dinner is always good as well. My mom is a pretty good cook I think.

She let my friend live with us. She'd meet Ian a few times briefly, but she knew me and him were close and that he was having issues at home, so yeah. I do appreciate that.

When I try and look at it like this, I might not have it so bad off. I know some kid's parents are complete fucking dicks, and they're sane. If it wasn't for her Skizofrenic outbursts and delusions as well as what I'm pretty sure is a Bi-Polar disorder and Anger Managemdnt she'd probably be the most outstanding mom ever. Maybe I'm too hard on her sometimes, after all it's not something she can help. Still I've told myself that hundreds of times and everytime she does something that's the fault of her illness I can't help but be annoyed and even mad at times.

I suppose I could look at her as a strong woman that despite her mental illness had managed to care and raise me pretty well when my deadbeat father hasn't ever lifted a finger to support me.

I love my mom, I really do. She's incredibly difficult for me to handle a lot of the time, especially recently, but I do care about her. I still make her coffees when she wakes up or asks for them and I at least make an attempt to ask about whatever show she's watching.

I don't want anyone to feel bad for me when I say she's Skizofrenic and about all the trauma I've suffered in the past. It's the cards I was dealt and I accept that. I don't feel sorry for myself. I do wonder how life would of been had she not had this illness, but there's no real point on dwelling on it.

I'll end this entry with this, my mom pisses me off sometimes to the point where I wanna break something (I don't, obviously). I don't like going in public with her not because of some teenage embarrassment of being seen with my mom but because I'm afraid she'll have some episode and say some shit and I'll be drawn into it. But she's my mom. She's done a pretty good job at raising me and despite the whole Skizofrenic thing I'm pretty well off. I know she cares about me.

Anyway, that's all I guess.