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The Life Of "Mars".
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2018-05-12 06:42:28 (UTC)

Rage

Saturday, May 12th

I don't think I've felt this angry in awhile. I've calmed down a bit more now so I can actually properly write this, but I almost lost it just then.

I don't even know how to begin this properly. Ian went out to go to a family BBQ. I'm at home talking to one of my online friends. I thought I heard something. I said, "Hey hang on a minute I'll be back" and unplugged my mic.

I looked around for my mom wonder where she was. I then heard her in the backyard yelling. I paused and waited to see if I was hearing things wrong. I wasn't. There was some little kid in the neighborhood yelling. Y'know, how kids do. They're loud and annoying. Anyway, I heard her yelling at this little kid. Saying her crazy shit like "Oh your mom's gonna die now because you're talking shit to me." No the kid fucking wasn't I fucking flipped it took every fucking fiber of my God damn being not to burst a hole in the wall. Hell I even wanted to hit her. Yeah. I wanted to lay hands on my own mother because of how angry I got. I didn't. It took a lot of restraint. A lot. My arms were shaking. My whole body was shaking with rage. My head was pounding. I went off on her and thank fucking god Ian wasn't home for it. Before I left I even told her I know I'm a piece of shit. My mom, when she isn't having some schizophrenic episode is lovely caring mom. I can't stand myself. I'm disgusted with myself. I can't be there for my mom for shit she can't help or control. I can't do it. Because everytime she has an episode it reminds me of all the suffering I endured those years where she was full blown psychotic. Fuck. I'm really, really fucking sad. And angry. I don't even know how to describe it. Whatever. Maybe I still don't have the maturity I thought I had to not get pissed at her when she does stuff like that.