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The Life Of "Mars".
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2018-04-17 22:48:55 (UTC)

Wednesday, April 18th

Wednesday, April 18th

I've been thinking a lot recently, about Hayley and Kayla. I don't know why. Maybe it's because Hayley's posted a few photos of me on Snapchat saying she misses me. I tried messaging her to catch up and say hi, but I pretty much stopped the conversation by not replying almost as soon as I started. I couldn't do it, yknow.

I just find it, weird. I've had sex with people, I've had random hook ups and made out with girls. But I don't think I've ever gotten attached to them. I don't think about them. I don't dream about them. I don't remember their touch, not really. They don't really mean anything to me.

But then I think about Hayley. It's not the same longing I had for her in the past. I'm not stuck on her again like I was all that time ago. No I'm over that. I just, think sometimes. Too much I guess. I think about how me and her would talk daily, from the moment I woke up till the moment I either went to bed or passed out from exhaustion because of how late I was staying up to be with her. I think about how we'd walk together. How we'd shit down together and play fight. I think I want that again. A relationship I mean. Kind of. I want to have a girl who I can be with. Hell I don't think I even care about making out or sex to be honest. That sounds pretty weird coming from a 17 year old boy. But I'm serious. I think I've always felt better just feeling the warmth of a girl I care about then doing something else with a girl I barely know. Weird right. That's not to say I won't do that stuff anymore. I won't even lie I've thought about Hayley in a sexual way once or twice. Like, she's gotten really fucking hot now. Like, mmphm. But I won't get into that.

Kayla was one of the more recent ones. I didn't care about her the way I did with Hayley. Not even close. I was definitely sad about her though. She wasn't very good at conversation. So we didn't talk a whole lot. And when we did I was usually pretty bored. But she was fun to be around. She was bubbly yknow. Just a nice girl to be around. I.. I dunno. What drives me crazy the most about her is I can literally remember the warmth of her body when we layed together. I can remember the feeling of her hand on my stomach and us sitting together on the cathedral steps at night looking down on the town. Fuckin weird right? But I don't even really remember anything from any girls I've hooked up with. Except Laura. That's not in a passionate way either. She was just soft and good at making out. That's it. Nothing more. The rest I don't care about. God i annoy myself.

Anyway, I'd like a relationship. I really would. At the same time I wouldn't though. I don't wanna have to worry about someone else yknow. And any time there's a girl who even shows any interest in me for like.. a boyfriend, I try and avoid it. Man.

On a side note, lil appreciation part for some of my friends.

Even though Ian has annoyed the hell out of me at times with how loud he can get while in the other room, I'm grateful for him. He's been there for me, or at least tried to be. He's brought me alcohol. He's brought me food and other stuff. He's a good friend. My best friend really, IRL at least.

William is an online friend of mine, he's from Scotland. He's really cool too. I think he occasionally lies sometimes about certain things but I think that's him trying to imagine a better more exciting life because he has issues with his legs where he can't walk properly. That sounds kinda mean, but you get what I mean.

Brandi. She's like a sister to me. Honestly. I've known her since I was 13 years old. She's an online friend as well from Kentucky in the U.S. She's been one of the main people I've vented to about whatever issues I've had and she's always listened and tried to give advice. I'd truely feel lost without her. She has her own problems as well. I don't know if I'm as good as comforting her as she is with me, but I hope I am. I love her really. Like, as a sister. I genuinely think of her as a sister really. She told me earlier today she's been diagnosed with depression, bi-polar and aniexty. This will sound weird but it kinda makes me tear up a little. Like she's so kind and nice and funny. She doesn't deserve all that. I hope she gets better and doesn't always feel down in the dumps.

James. He's from Kansas City in the U.S. Another online friend of mine. He's awesome. I've known him since I was 12. He doesn't know about a lot of the stuff I've been through and I don't really ever go to him with any problems. I know I did once when I was 13 because me and my mom were arguing a lot. I don't even know if remembers that tbh. But he tried to help me through it. He's the kind of guy who I guess keeps his feelings away as well. He's told me once that he'll always have my back because I've been one of the few people whose never fucked him over. But that was it. We both sorta act like the strong types to each other I guess.

Eric. I've only known him for about almost two years. Maybe a year and half. I don't know much about him besides from his real life name, he lives in Ohio in the U.S. He's come to me with some of his problems in the past and I've tried my best to help him. He's pretty secretive about who he is. I know he just turned 17. But I don't know what he looks like, which is fine. We've both got the same type of humor and act the same. He's sorta like an more silly American version of me to be honest. He's also slowly integrating into our online friend group with me James Ian and William.

That's all I'm gonna write now cause I'm tired and wanna go to bed. I've got more friends but they're my mains. See ya.