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The Life Of "Mars".
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2017-10-07 04:34:22 (UTC)


Saturday 7th October, 2017

Last Monday I made a post on Instagram where the caption was basically directed at Kayla. I don't really like the idea of making indirect posts about people, in fact I've only done it a few times, almost all of them being Hayley after we had broken up last year, but for whatever reason I made one. It was pretty short and went something along the lines of "Whatever time we spent together, no matter how short, I cherished, as I do you. A/S/5/2017. The end stands for the month (August), the day of the week (Saturday), the date (the fifth), and obviously the year. The day we met, or night rather. That was the only hint I gave that it was about her, nothing else. I also wrote the message as more of a goodbye, I didn't see much hope of anything continuing to grow between us, I pretty much felt cut off from her. So in my own weird way, that was me trying to end it and move on.

The day after Lillie messaged me asking if the post was about Hayley, which I responded saying it wasn't. She then asked me if it was about Kayla. I purposely took awhile to respond, I was pretty tired and after being bored and looking on the Snapchat map I saw they were together, they also happened to be down South on holiday together, but that's not really important. I eventually messaged back saying I was too tired to talk about it and she could ask later when I had woken up. I then turned the wifi on my phone off and went to sleep.

Sometime later on a Wednesday night she messaged me again asking what it was about, and I told her. Maybe I was venting, maybe it was because I knew Kayla would likely end up seeing everything I was saying to Lillie since they were together in the same room, so I told her. Well actually before I did I asked her why she thought it was about Hayley and that I thought it was sorta odd, since y'know, we had broken up pretty much over a year ago and I was well over her. She then told me it was Kayla on her phone who had asked me that because she wanted to know. Should of maybe figured since Kayla, for whatever reason almost always uses the cat laughing emojis. Anyway, I told her that it was about her and that I wrote it as a goodbye since I pretty much figured she was cutting me off. I then told her why I thought that, I'll simplify everything on here because it's gonna be a lot to write again.

1. She asked me about how I dated Hayley in the past, and sort of hinted that I was sort of a fuckboy for making out with Laura without liking her. I also brought up how I was on the phone with Laura and Jess a few days before and they said a girl called Hazel who goes to Kayla and Lillies school had bragged to them about how she had hooked up with me. Keep in mind, I don't even know a Hazel. So I brought that up assuming they had heard and maybe reinforcing the idea that she thought I was a fuckboy. I mean who knows, maybe I am. I continued to say that she brought all that up like the day before we broke up, and maybe she thought I was just trying to fuck her or something.

2. I wasn't invited to her party. Random people were invited. I wasn't. I normally wouldn't of cared but I got the feeling that she didn't even want to be around me even as a friend.

3. She unfollowed me from her private Instagram account. I didn't really realize this until recently, but I was bored looking at my Instagram page when I realized I was following one less person. I don't follow many people on Instagram. In fact I think I only follow around 14-16 people. So curious as to what had happened I looked and eventually found that I wasn't following her private anymore. I knew that I was in the past, but I wasn't anymore.

Lillie wanted me to elaborate more about what Jess and Laura were saying about Hazel, but I told her I didn't really know anything else besides that she had a boyfriend now I guess. She then continued to say that Kayla thought I stopped liking her after she and I broke up because I stopped texting her. I told her I stopped texting her cause I randomly got left on read out of no where and assumed she wanted space, or that she didn't want to talk to me anymore, and that I wasn't going to chase anyone if they didn't want me.

She continued to say that she knew she unfollowed me from her private (which was basically a spam account full of photos of her and people) because she had photos on there of herself where she was self conscious of how she looked and didn't want me to see. Weird, but I guess I could understand that. She then said that I should cut her some slack because she's been really stressed recently and that they've all noticed that. Her mom, her aunty, that sort of thing. I can remember her telling me about that. We didn't really say much else after that, I still haven't messaged Kayla since before her party and every time I think about messaging her I end up procrastinating it and never doing it. I don't know why the idea of talking to her now gives me this feeling of dread. I mean literally the night I met her I had her laying on top of me, and then awhile after that I had her around in my arms out in public. I shouldn't be afraid, right? It's not like I'm trying to slide in some random girls DMs. This was someone who, at least for awhile, I had some sort of connection with, even if it was only brief. Maybe I'm afraid of rejection. Maybe it was that I'd rather leave it that I've experienced some of those feelings of compassion and warmth with her, and not risk feeling anything bad. Maybe I'm afraid she'll turn around and say I'm not good enough for her anymore and that she has her eyes on another. Or maybe, I should just suck it up, and me messaging her could reignite the flames of what once was. Maybe.

Shane tells me that I should forget her because she hurt me, and that I should just go find me a new girl. Brandi tells me I should ditch her too. Ian says I should just message her. An older online friend of mine, Sage, tells me I should just message her and say that I want to help her through whatever problems she's got. They make it sound pretty simple, and honestly I'm torn between the two choices. I tell myself that the world is huge, in any given place in the world right now potentially there could be someone who I could find love within. I tell myself that I was fine without her in my life when I didn't even know she existed, so why should I care now right? At the same time, I think of her laugh, her smile, her silliness. The way she'd grab onto my arm. The way her hair felt when I ran it in between my fingers. How we sat on top of the church steps together and looked out onto the town. The warmth of her body pressed against mine.

Thinking like that, when I'm only 16 makes me worried in the long run. What if I in the distant future find myself in a relationship where I spend months with that person, get to know all their inner workings and what makes them tick, create lasting memories and have sex. And then we break up, dunno man. I feel like I'd go into a total shut down.

There's something I find strangely amusing in writing these entries, like Hayley for example, she doesn't know about anything I wrote about her all that time ago. I mean now I don't feel that way at all, she's got a boyfriend, lives in Christchurch and we're still friends till this day. And I mean, I've got Kayla now. Well, not really. It's more like I've got a new person to feel sad over. Either way, it makes you think doesn't it. Someone out there can have all these thoughts, all these emotions about you, and you might never know.

I stand by what I said, I'm not going to chase anyone, long for them sure, but chase? Nah. Maybe I'll message her, catch up and see if I can start talking to her more later. Maybe on a day it rains hard so we're both indoors. I mean, the forecast is set to rain a bit this week.

Yesterday I went out into the woods with Ian and Tyler, we climbed up a hill and talked a little. Me and Ian kept trying to convince Tyler to come out with me and Ian that night into town, but it didn't work out. We saw some Alpacas and I talked to these two small lovely old ladies who had this pretty big house by the woods. They seemed to think I sounded American, or had some other type of accent.

Me and Ian went into town last night around 9pm for a few hours, we went to Burger King where I was telling him about how I fucked my arm by pushing myself way too hard when I was working out. When he asked why I told him it was the day after that girl broke up with me, and how ever since I can't curl my left arm properly without almost immediately getting this tight hot burning sensation in my arm. Which I never got before by the way. "Wow, you actually liked her." Yep.

We went to our old school Nelson Intermediate where we went up on top of a roof where we then tried to getting in through one of the windows. It took a lot of work, mostly because they didn't open all the way and only after propping a plank of wood underneath it and having Ian push down on it was I barely, and I fucking mean barely because I winded myself while scraping my balls against the edge of window which hurt like a fucking bitch did I get it. Our success was very short lived however because seconds after I managed to get inside the fucking security alarm went off. I quickly opened the window from the inside, closed it on my way out and we bolted off that roof and ran. We ran over into a near by neighborhood where a good 5 minutes later we heard police sirens in the distance near the school. Yeah that was fucking intense. I'm not even going to be surprised if the cops knock on my door a few days from now.

I don't know why I like doing this sort of thing, being reckless and that, I haven't gotten caught yet so maybe that's why but I get so much adrenaline off it. I also like being able to figure out stuff about getting in. The risk of getting caught is exciting to me. Self destructive behavior is bad, man.

We walked around a little more, checked out Victory, and then Nelson Boys college. Jumped in the swimming pool, got out almost instantly because of the freezing temperature and went home.

Peace, -Mars