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The Life Of "Mars".
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2017-09-01 10:17:49 (UTC)

1/09/2017 - Update

Friday 1st September

I'm currently writing this on my phone because I'm rendering a video in Sony Vegas, and my laptop goes slow whenever I render a big project like I am right now.

Kayla messaged me back, basically what she said is "Sorry I took so long to reply. I just needed to think about what you said. I appreciate you saying how you feel. I need a break for a few days. I've got a lot going on right now. Hope you can understand."

Of course I said it was no problem, I still want to be with her. If she's having problems and wants time to herself, well I'll give her the space she needs.

I saw on Snapchat her, Hayden, Lillie and Abby were in town together tonight. I'm glad she was out hopefully having fun. Still I got this aching feeling in my chest. I worked out some more, but I stopped because you're not really supposed to push yourself too much.

I worked on this video project I've been working on for awhile and finished it to keep myself occupied.

I got the number of the people who helped Ian get a job tonight so I'll see about calling them tomorrow.

I'm dreadful bored now, to be honest. I mean usually that'd be fine except for the weird sinking feeling I got again. It's basically the same as how it was with Hayley. Not quite the same, but its the same feeling. This time I'm actually just trying to do stuff instead of laying there all sad. Still its hard.

"She really likes you." "She gets annoyed when you don't text her back fast enough." "I think you two go well together." Those are all lines I've heard from her friends, even the day before we broke up. "I still really like you, and maybe we can try again later." That's what she said to me too.

Self doubt. Over thinking. It's kind of pointless ain't it? I tried listening to some clips from Allan Watts, they kind of cleared my head a bit more and made me feel a little more optimistic. But, regardless I'm pretty sure I'm just pessimistic by nature. I know its unlikely to happen, I know I'm just letting my fear of being pushed aside get to me, all that. But well, I keep playing these scenarios in my head which are pretty similar to each other. She finds a new guy. They make out. Her friends send me a video of it on Snapchat and laugh about it. I know that well first of all her friends seem to be pretty nice people, even if that were to happen, I think they'd tell me in a way that was more.. nice. Second of all is I don't think she's the type of person to do that. No I know she isn't. It's like when people talk about imaging themselves in unrealistic situations that would never happen, like being robbed or something like that.

I do wanna work things out with her in the end, I do. It just feels weird to me today, I'm fine with giving her space. Hell, I like having my space. But pretty much for the past few weeks that I've known her we've texted almost every single night (I fell asleep too fast sometimes before texting her) its kind of become like a routine of mine to talk to her, and well yesterday and today our only real conversation was well.. y'know. Not ideal.

It's 10:39PM right now, the video render percent is at 40%. Honestly this second post has kind of just me been trying to help myself understand what I'm feeling and to keep myself occupied. I can't really play my games. I've sorta tried already, just had the same weird feeling in my chest.

I keep thinking of back to when we were sitting in McDonalds one night, I was really tired, it was freezing, but she was laying in my arms and she felt so warm. I don't want things to end between us. I don't want to be "just friends" because in all honesty I don't know if I'd be able to look at her as just a friend anymore.

Whatever, I should probably go to sleep now.

Peace, -Mars