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The Life Of "Mars".
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2017-09-01 00:47:02 (UTC)

1/09/2017

Friday 1st September, 2017

Sometime yesterday afternoon I got a message from Kayla. She wanted to break up. She basically gave me this line of "I still really really like you, I'm just really stressed out right now. I feel like I'm trying to change you too much and that's not how I should be in a relationship. Maybe we can try again later."

My heart dropped when I read that and my throat when hot and dry at the same time. To sum it all up about what I said, I basically said I really liked her, she was important to me, but at the end of it I guess I could understand. I'm pretty sad about it. I was planning on taking her out on a date this Saturday too. There's apart of me that in a way found it sort of funny. I found some weird irony in it. I curve a bunch of girls, tell them I don't want to date anyone. I decide fuck it I'll give it a chance and that happens pretty shortly after.

I'm going to try and start looking for a job, I'd be fine with almost any job besides working in like, a fast food place. Today instead of mopping around I started working out almost as soon as I woke up and well, that kept my mind off it for awhile. My body has been getting a lot more toned ever since I started working out religiously again.

I usually watch The Walking Dead on something called Neon NZ, the problem is it only goes up till the end of Season 5 and I ended up finishing the last of it today. I was watching the last episode yesterday and I was about half way through it but once I saw that message from Kayla I stopped watching and turned it off.

I was doing a lot of research on Skizofrenia yesterday too, so to kind of better understand my mom a little more. We're fine, by the way.

I'm sort of worried because the group of people I hung out with a lot at parties merged with Kayla's group of people, I'm just worried how that might play out if things between us two are actually over. I'm usually pretty cynical these days, pessimistic. So the worse case scenario is sort of playing in my head right now. We stop talking. I fall out of contact with that group of people. I'm back to how I was.

Shane's meant to be coming down to Nelson in October with his girlfriend Pagan, so that'll be fun I guess. I know this one guy called Caleb who I could probably talk to since me and him have gotten along pretty well in the past, my only worry is he's friends with people, who's friends with people who I didn't exactly get a long with in the past. Example, kid called Braden. Used to be a fairly good friend of mine back in primary school and early Intermediate. One day in Year 9 we had some sort of falling out, I can't remember. I got sad about it. My mom asked what was wrong. I told her that me and Braden had a small argument. She called his mom basically telling her to tell Braden to fuck off and leave me alone. Since y'know, Skizofrenic. She assumed the worst and stuff. Overprotective too. I don't have a problem with literally anybody anymore, it's just the idea of the awkwardness that kind of puts me off. Still it was similar with a kid called James and me and him later ended up being reasonably chill.

Oh yeah, I was talking with Lille last night since her and Kayla are like, really good friends. I was kind of asking her what they were talking about, concerning me I mean. I was just curious to see if I could get some idea of whenever I should attempt to pursue any further type of relationship, or just let things be. She said she'd message me about it later and only saying "Well she feels really bad about it." She said she'd tell me the rest later. I waited around 30 minutes before deciding fuck it, message Kayla, say all the stuff I mentioned before, turn off the Wifi on my phone and go to sleep.

I woke up this morning, Kayla just read it and didn't say anything. In all fairness at the bottom I did say "You don't have to reply to this either." because I didn't want some argument to ensue, plus I was emotionally drained by then. I saw Lillie also messaged me saying "Yoooo." so I guess that was about what she was meant to tell me, or what I said to Kayla. I don't know. Either way it was about 5 minutes after I had gone to sleep. I didn't reply.

I dunno what I'm gonna do for the rest of today, I might go for a run later but that's probably about it. Maybe watch a horror movie or something. Sorry this entry has been all over the place, I'm just saying whatever comes to mind.

Peace, -Mars