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The Life Of "Mars".
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2017-06-15 06:52:31 (UTC)

Plead With Insanity

Thursday 15th June, 2017

I kind of lost it the other day, I don't want to go into huge detail but here's what happened. My mom kept on talking to herself, and I know she was going outside making threats to people. I confronted her about it. She reacted angrily telling me to be quiet. I started yelling. I said something along the lines of "Oh no, no no no I am not fucking living through this bullshit again fuck you." I then proceeded to punch a hole in the wall. I can assure you, it was a lot less calm then how I'm describing it right now.

I then stormed off to my room. God. I don't really get teary over things, this sounds stupid but the only things I do get teary over are usually just fictional characters who die who I've put a lot of investment into. But I cried, a lot. More then what I did towards the end of Year 10 with her at our old house.

I don't really ever feel comfortable telling people my problems, I know they wouldn't really judge me for them it just makes me feel weird, and then I get hung up on it for a few days thinking about if I had just been a little stronger in those moments they wouldn't know whatever I was going through at that moment. I've only ever told two people about my moms schizophrenia. Brandi, my internet friend who I've known since I recently turned 13, and Hayley, but she didn't know much. Just that she had schizophrenia. Like that was literally all she knew, nothing about what she was like with it.

I told Brandi that I had just made a hole in the wall, and had briefly went over what had happened. In that moment I thought about it, that if this was going to continue I would be more then fine to go into foster care. Hell, I'd be homeless if it meant not putting up with that again. If I were to tell my step sister Raven, I knew that maybe, just maybe things could fall into place for me to be with her. Hell, even Hayley's family. I kind of doubt it but at the same time literally all of her family seems to love me, especially Shane. I thought about living with my cousins, Bailey Isabella, Luke, Jordan all them. We ended up a pretty bad note but that was years ago hell. Anything seemed better then the hell I believed I was going to endure.

I eventually decided fuck it, I'm going to talk to her about it. When I say talk I really made yell the whole time. I mean actually yell, I've raised my voice before and yelled for well, comedic purposes. But I've never really actually yelled except for when I was a little kid throwing a temper tantrum. But boy, did I yell. I was pacing back and forth in the living room where she was sitting down. I told her I knew what she was doing, I told her about how much I hated it, how much it fucked with my head. I told her that one of the main causes of my depression was her talking to herself. That some of my thoughts of suicide were because of how sad she was making me. She didn't say anything. She just took it as I yelled. I know, it seems scummy. She has an illness, she can't really control it, and maybe trying to justify that I'm a kid isn't good enough anymore now I'm 16. But dammit I feel like I have nobody in that instance. I don't have a dad who can support me, I don't trust Raven not to call Child Youth and Family. I'd feel weird as hell telling my friends. I told her that I was close to leaving, be it going to live in a foster town or walking on over to the next town over if I bloody had to. I was NOT living with that again. I also said, while saying that they're not real, but if my supposed "dads" were real, I'd want nothing to do with them. I wouldn't want anything to do with some muderous people who killed and tortured people at the slightest displeasure they received. I wouldn't associate with that.

She took it better then I expected. I wasn't met with backlash. She said that she loved me more then anything, and that she'll try to get a grip. I know you can't really cure schizophrenia. I know. But dammit, I don't know, maybe trying could become enough.

She's been acting nice these past few days, I don't know if its her trying to make up for it and that she's just doing a better job at hiding it or if there's actually some improvement. I read this one thing once, and it could just be fake or misleading but it talked of a guy who basically came to terms with his schizophrenia and could recognize when his delusions were just delusions. That seemingly almost cured him, I guess.

I had a uh, interesting dream last night. It was mixed it with weird things involving GTA, a ship, scuba diving. All this weird stuff. There was also Hayley, Laura and a girl called Pixie. I think I mentioned Pixie a few entries back. If I failed to mention her name she's in that group of friends I was talking about. I don't really actually know Pixie either I just know her because of Kahm, I think me and her talked like once back in Intermediate Year 8. Anyway for whatever reason, we made out. Except it was more me sucking on her neck from behind... in what I think was a plane. Yeah I don't know. There were other scenes I can't really remember either but I was making out with Hayley... and Laura. Christ. I'm annoyed at myself over that dream. It's weird, when I woke up it felt like I had that feeling you get in your mouth.. y'know, the one where you feel someones tongue inside your mouth. Yeaahh.

My mom got into an argument today. It was with some lady with an accent. I heard her and my mom arguing from my room. I waited and listed for a few moments to get a jist of what had happened. If I felt my mom was purely being a nut job, I would of told her to get inside and then to apologize to the person and briefly explain that she had an illness, and that she didn't really mean it. From what I gathered the ladies kids had done something to a bush on our yard, I imagine the kids to be about five or six. I could tell my mom was on the verge of having a psychotic break down. She was telling the women to fuck off, and surprisingly she hadn't threatened to have her killed yet like she otherwise would of with pretty much any other stranger who she'd argue with. So maybe she was trying. I felt I had to step in.

I walked outside and again in my serious tone of voice which I almost never use asked her, "Who the fuck are you? Fuck off." My mom seemed shock and for a second stopped talking. I walked in between her and my mom and told her "Look, just go on your way. You're not gonna solve anything by arguing. Go." She clearly wanted to instigate a fight with my mom again as she said, "No I want to keep on talking." I would raised my voice even more saying, "If you don't get the fuck out of here I will deck you. I don't care about getting a charge." She seemed stunned and her mouth opened a little from it. She turned to my son and said, "Is this your son?" As my mom said yeah in a supportive mocking tone I said "Yeah I am. Fuck off." I considered punching her in the gut right then and there. I was pissed at her, but I was pissed at my mom too. She was now saying things like "You have no idea what the people around town say about you." "You know who I am cunt." More crazy talk. My mom doesn't talk with anyone in told. Nor is she in all honesty besides to me, anyone of real significance. I don't mean that as a insult, I mean she's not famous or anything. I almost wanted to tell my mom to fuck off back inside right then and there. I didn't. Some more meaningless words were exchanged. Had it lasted a few minutes longer I probably would of smacked her. The woman began walking off and then we started to go back inside, she said one final thing and then my mom said something else before we were inside again. As soon as the door was shut I told my mom, "No more arguing with people. You really pissed me off there." I know I sound like a shitty son, ordering my mom around in that way. I'm not making her my slave or anything, I'm trying to make it so 1) She doesn't get into trouble with people, and 2) My own sanity doesn't decrease again. She apologized and went back to whatever she was doing, I went back to my room.

I'm starting to wonder if I have an anger problem. I don't really get pissed off easily, hell the most I really ever get is mildly annoyed. But in those moments I was really tempted to smack her, and I've been in situations where I've had the same dick head constantly shit talk me without feeling any real feelings of anger. Maybe because it was family. Maybe it was because the dick head was just a kid, and this was a grown adult acting like a child. Maybe I'm losing my grip on things. I don't know.

If I ever get to the point where I'm abusive towards my wife/girlfriend or kid if I ever have one. I'd probably like to kill myself. That's not who I want to be. I don't think I'll be like that, I'm just scared that I might lose my temper one day with someone who I legitimately really care about.
I don't have a dignoised anger issue or anything, and I've never really had any incidents with me really losing my shit, so maybe I'm over thinking, but you know.

Peace, -Mars