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The Life Of "Mars".
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2017-06-07 12:45:39 (UTC)


Thursday 8th June, 2017

There's a lot of songs I can't really listen to without feeling sort of uneasy. It's not like they're bad songs, but when my mom was going through her really bad stage of schizophrenia, well they became kind of tainted to me. You see she'd kind of try and analyse the lyrics to give them these meanings. Some she thought were messages or references to her and "my dads". Some were more sinister. Some she'd talk to herself, or in her head she'd be "on the phone" with other gang members and she'd be saying about how the song was about them being killed.

There's this one song however that I really, really hated. I can't remember the name of it or who it was by, but the chorus basically went something like "I'm going, I'm going, I'm going deeper underground." Fuck man. She had this idea that was basically an off and on one because her delusions usually contradicted themselves, but the idea was "my dads" had built a huge underground prison where all of our enemies went, while they were then replaced with robots.

The things I heard my mom say really make me wonder about how twisted and dark a mind can become. It's so weird too, because she was otherwise a really nice mom. In this underground prison I'd hear her talk about people being forced to eat each other, she'd mimic them crying in a kind of mocking tone while saying things like, "Go on eat him, eat your best friend." I heard of things about how she'd force father and son to fight in like a gladiator arena with axes. I'd hear her talk about her torturing people to death. Cutting parts of their body off and making them eat them. People being skinned. People having their kids killed in front of them, sometimes the other way around. Only for them to sometimes be "reanimated" as she would say to be tortured to death all over again. I hated that, I really really did. I'd hear that all day at least four times a week for about two years. It took a toll on my sanity, I think. I'm not saying I went crazy or anything, I mean I felt like I just, deteriorated. I thought about suicide a lot. I thought about maybe trying to tell the school. But I loved my mom beyond anything else in this world, I didn't want to have a life without her. Still it drove me insane.

I remember I asked her to stop once, that if she was going to say all these things don't say it out loud. I remember she got angry with me. I started getting really angry with her, really really angry. I'd begin gritting my teeth and telling her to shut the fuck up whenever she started up. I punched a few walls here and there. Me being angry didn't solve anything, it made me more pissed off actually because she then thought that it was the rival gang members drugging me to make me angry. So it always made me feel like my actual feelings were never ever validated.

I guess you know the rest of the story, snapped one day, we fought physically. We moved houses and soon things returned to normal, like actual normal. Normal to where she didn't talk to herself. It was, weird but nice.

She's kind of started up again with her delusions however. I've tried to keep them out of my entries because I really really hate talking about it, and she still is a nice mom to me. It's not as bad as before, but I'm afraid it does seem to be getting worse.

I'll hear her quietly talking to herself and if I ever question who she's talking to she'll quickly try and say she was on the phone to grandad, even though the phone will be no where near her, or that she was trying to get one of the animals to come over to her. If I say anything other then just "Oh okay." she'll become defensive and even angry and usually tell me to go away and that I'm being annoying. Sure, maybe I could say that she is just talking to the animals like people do, or maybe she was on the phone. But it happens too often.

The reason why I'm saying it's getting worse is I know for a fact she's now doing what she used to do. Back at our old house she'd go out on the balcony and occasionally say threats like "Oh you're going to fucking die." I can't hear what she's saying now, but I can hear her opening our front door sometimes and then saying something. You could say she's trying to call our cat inside, but when she actually is doing that she does it in a really soft voice. She always does. When she's doing this, it's in the mocking tone she used to do when she was telling someone that she was going to kill their family.

Another thing is which happened the day I was coming back from Laura's house was when I was in the car with my mom. She was picking something up from the dairy so I waited in the car, and on her way out she gave this really fake smile, one she's given other people before in public too and said something I didn't quite make out. She then in the car when her and the other lady were pulling out of the car park she rolled down her window and was about to say something. Before she did I said in a tone I only used back then when I got really pissed off at her was, "Mom. Stop it." she didn't say anything to her but continued to make these weird noises. It kind of sounds like her talking but with her mouth closed. She's been doing that too, I might add.

Another thing I've noticed is when I talk to my mom her voice patterns are, weird. Sometimes she's totally coherent and sounds pretty normal. Other times she'll seem like she's almost on drugs and take a good three five seconds to reply, sometimes even repeating what I said. She's basically totally spaced out at times. Sometimes when I try to talk to her she looks up at the roof. That's when I know she's probably hearing voices. She used to look up at the roof a lot when she talked to herself back at my old place, because she thought that was where the mic and cameras were where she'd talk to "my dads."

I really fucking hate it. I don't know why this is starting to happen again. I don't know if her medication was changed or if something else went wrong but I will not fucking live through that again. I'm already starting to almost lose my temper with her sometimes. I hated what I lived through so much. I still stand by what I say, she is a good mom in all other aspects except for her illness. I'd say she'd be better then average in all honesty. But I can't fucking stand it. If it happens again I'm either going to just lose my shit and probably end up breaking some things or just leave home. I mean legally I guess I can now since I'm 16. But I just can't, no I won't live like that again. I'd rather be homeless and sleep out in the cold then put up with that again.

I probably won't write another entry on her illness again for awhile unless something comes up, like further deterioration. I kind of want to reach out to someone, like a professional who knows about this.

Peace, -Mars