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The Life Of "Mars".
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2017-03-30 05:36:56 (UTC)

Nightmares Of The Past

Thursday 30th March, 2017

I know I haven't really been updating this at all, I've had the time I just haven't really had the motivation to do a lot of things. I think I've hit a slump.

I'm basically done with school, I haven't attended in weeks and my mom is pretty much all for the idea of letting me drop out now. I don't want to waste the rest of this year doing nothing however, so I will be looking into getting myself a job.

Hayley left Nelson yesterday, and now she is in Christchurch. I don't know how I feel about that. I don't think she will be totally out of my life since I think she will still come down to visit because her nana is here. Shane also might be coming on the 17th.

I've been kind of bored without Shane around, I know since we both don't really do school we could do whatever we want and I know he'd be keen to hang. Tyler is only here every second week, and so is Ian and they have school. So life has been kind of dull to be fair.

I think I've been feeling depressed recently, I don't have a whole lot of motivation to do anything even to play my games. But these feels seem to kind of come and go throughout the day, every day. I wouldn't describe it as feeling sad (although that is there) but more a sense of pointlessness. Like, "what's the point?" if that makes any sense.

My dog Jimi has taken up sleeping in my room pretty much all the time, I don't really know why but he almost seems to be afraid of my mom. I think it's because she's been giving him bathes and he really hates those. My edits are getting better too.

Oh yeah, this rapper I like called XXXTENTACION is out of jail so that's cool.

I've been actively using my Instagram posting at least one photo per day, with some slightly cryptic captions.

I hung out with Hayley a few days back. I think it was on Sunday. There was Jess, Laura, two girls who I hadn't met yet called Ella and Jessica. It was cool, we hung out at the wharf for a bit and then went into Tahuna. Jessica and Ella kind of strayed from our group but it was whatever. In all honesty I was only there because of Hayley.

I find myself asking do I still like her or not? Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. I try and avoid texting and snapchatting her a lot because well, this might sound silly. But to me it feels sort of weird. We used to text like, "Oh hey babe xo" and now it's more like "Hey how you been?". Y'know? That feels like a drastic, weird change to me. So now I don't really respond to her Snaps, and I'll avoid going on Facebook just so I don't have to talk to her, or I'll just not respond.

Shane's hinted and a few times outright said that he basically shipped me with Hayley and that I was the only guy he'd ever give his blessing to for her. And well, I don't know man. It's be weeks, months. I should be completely over this right? I mean most adults seem to get over relationships by this time, and kids even sooner. So why not me? Would I want to date her again? I don't know. Maybe not. She did ditch me after one joke and then went with another guy a few weeks later. I remember that. But at the same time I try to think, "She's sensitive, she's bi-polar, she was going through a rough time with the knowledge of potentially moving and with her abusive dad trying to come back into the picture. Maybe she got with a different guy because she felt she needed comfort or protection or something like that." That's what I try to think like. Am I over thinking? Probably. Am I looking into too much detail? Possibly. I don't know. I think I still have some type of feelings for her, but I don't know what to do with them. In some respects I think it may be mutual. I mean she's flat out apologized and said to me that one of the things shes going to regret the most is the fact that me and her didn't work out and that she went with Brodie. Do I deserve better though? Who am I to have somebody to love? I don't know. I don't know about a lot of things anymore. I'm just rolling with it.

I had a nightmare about her too that made me feel sick when I woke up. I saw on her Snapchat that she was at her dads in Christchurch. Whenever she was just visiting or if they're staying there I don't know and I'm in a way almost too scared to ask. As weird as that sounds. When I mean that her dad was abusive, I mean fucking abusive. She told me of a time where he almost drowned her. In my nightmare I saw him (I don't know what he looks like) dragging her by the hair and swinging her back and forth into the wall left and right of him over and over again as she kept whimpering. I saw her head being dunked and submerged in a bathtub full of water and I remember seeing this haunting picture of anguish painted on her face when she was pulled up out of the tub and the tears of her face had been masked by the water and the frown on her face was permanent and although I have never actually heard her cry I swear I could hear exactly what it sounds like and it makes me feel sick because I know something like that probably did happen to her that if anything my dream was just a slightly modified flashback of a real event. I really wanted to message her after that. I wanted to tell her that if her dad tried to do anything like he did in the past then to get the fuck out of the house and never go back and to just run away from him. But it was late by the time I had woken up, 2AM late. I figured the last thing she needed when she's trying to settle into a new place is for her to hear about my worries about her dad when she might be having the same thoughts. I didn't need to fuel them. That wouldn't do anything. But I was just really, really worried about her.

I've been thinking too. I think I've made my peace with death. I was never really afraid of it but I mean it when I saw it doesn't bother me at all. I don't mind dying. As emo as that sounds, it's not like I want to die. I just don't think it'd really bother me.. unless it was painful like I was being impaled or something.

I talked with my step sister a little bit too. Is it weird, but sometimes she says things like "Oh you probably get that from our side of the family?" or "Oh you've got our family eyebrows." and that pisses me off? I don't know. I really, really, really dislike my dad. So to say that I bare any resemblance in character or appearance feels like an insult to me.

I'll head off now,
Peace, -Mars