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Confusion

Monday 13th February, 2017

I didn't go to school today. I know that's pretty bad, but this morning I woke up with an almost unbearable hollow feeling with the lethargic emotions of utter sadness and loathing. I don't know why, I know I got enough sleep because I went to bed early and woke up around five which is early for me. I didn't go to bed feeling sad either, so why I suddenly had this gloom lingering over me, well I can't say.

I ended up making some bullshit excuse saying that I was feeling sick and then I retreated back to my bed. I've tried telling my mom in the past that I can randomly feel pretty sad often, but she kind of brushes it off as normal teenage emotions. I can't totally blame her for doing that I mean she may be right, but then again being told "Oh you're fine." when you feel far from fine kind of makes you feels like your feelings aren't validated. Or at least that's how I feel about it.

I've heard one of the ways to well, not be sad is to go out and have fun. I mean sure, that helps sometimes but even if I'm having a blast out of no where sometimes I'll get struck with this random sadness where suddenly I'll want to go back to bed. This happens sometimes when I'm playing a game online with my friends too, we could be in the middle of a game but if I get this sudden feeling I feel I can't even play the game properly and just tell them "I'm gonna get off."

But, enough about that.

I get confused about relationships at my age. I see a lot of kids on Facebook, Instagram and just people who I know in real life who are in relationships, get out of their relationship and then get back in a new one about a week or two later. That, that baffles me. I don't see how people are able to move on so quickly to new people.

An example, which makes me sad for whatever reason, is again, Hayley. I was casually scrolling through Facebook just before when I saw one of those "10 facts about my crush" posts which everybody on my friends list seems to be doing for some reason. So, she moved off me pretty fast, then it looked like she moved off Brodie pretty fast too. What the fuck? See it's things like that where I try and think to myself, "See? Fuck it you can't be in a relationship with somebody who changes up on people that fast." At least, that's why I try to tell myself. I don't think the message really gets through to myself because I still find myself feeling sad over it.

But to end this all off on a lighter note, I managed to download a plugin for Sony Vegas called Sapphire to make my edits better. I also got Adobe After Effects and PhotoShop. I'm pretty good with Sony Vegas now but learning Photoshop and After Effects will probably take awhile.

I've also been playing an old game on the computer I used to like when I was in primary school called Bowmaster Prelude. It's basically where you control a bow from a tower and shoot enemies soldiers while your soldiers advance to capture the enemies flag while also protecting your own.

Peace, -Mars