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The Life Of "Mars".
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2017-01-31 09:26:18 (UTC)

Thoughts and Rambling: (January 2017)

Tuesday 31st January, 2017

Recently my mind has often trailed off and started thinking about things that are we, depressing. At least for me they're depressing. You might be thinking something like, "Oh the starving children in Africa has got him feeling the blues." or that maybe the fact that as an entire planet we fall to maintain world peace time and time again. No, nothing of the sort like that. If anything my thoughts are more trivial and selfish then anything else.

First there's Jaime, my ex bestfriend. I liked Jaime a lot more then anybody else at my school, and admittedly even in my own friend group. We had the exact music taste, the same fucked up type of humor, we both liked GTA a lot. We'd literally always find something to talk about and to tell you the honest truth he's what made Year 11 a whole lot better for me because there was then somebody who actually constantly made me happy at school even though we actually only had two classes together.

I'm not even entirely sure what made us fall off completely. In the last few weeks of school before we stop talking he did seem way more aggressive towards everybody including me for what seemed like no reason at all. Sometimes he'd even take it as far as to punch walls at the school. Or he'd talk about how he really wanted to get into a fight with somebody which was completely out of character for him since usually he'd be pretty passive about things. I noticed this change then occurred when he then openly started talking about him smoking weed frequently, smoking and drinking. I don't know if there's any real connection there or if it's just a coincidence. He also was very depressed around this time. I mean really depressed to the point where he even admitted to me that he had been contemplating suicide. I tried my best to help him through it and I remember for a few days I would check in with him hourly to see if he was doing okay. We just soon drifted a part I guess after a bit of arguing about dumb bullshit that should of never happened, and then later Hayley, who Jaime was also friends with, showed me a screenshot where he said he didn't want to be friends with me anymore. That he just had a gut feeling that we shouldn't be friends.

I think Jaime is going to a different school this year closer to where he lives, since he doesn't even live in Nelson. There's a part of me that wants Jaime to go to this new school. Y'know, so it can be a new start in a chapter for the both of us. Still, I kind of want him to come to Nelson Boys again so perhaps we could possibly rekindle our friendship. I mean, I hold no grudges against anybody I'd be more then fine with being friends with him again. Occasionally I'll make the mistake of looking at his Kik profile, or looking at the old videos that I have of us together. Nostalgias my drug but it makes me oh so depressed.

Speaking of holding grudges I wonder about a few old friends sometimes. Me and Ari ended on a bad note together but now well, well I wonder if one day if we were to cross paths again if we could forget about the past and just be friends again. I wonder about Tyrone a lot too, I mean I know he lives in Auckland so even pondering the idea is kind of stupid because there is no chance whatsoever of us becoming friends again, but still I can't help but wonder.

I was bored the other day so I was scrolling through my Instagram only to find a girls Instagram who I used to have a crush on in primary school. Neve. I had a literal crush on that girl for a little over two years. I saw that she has a tattoo on her thigh now, a boyfriend, drinks a lot and was probably at a party that Shane was at once. I just think it's kind of interesting to think about because back then everybody had the whole, "Oh I'm never going to drink, smoke or do drugs." and here we are not even close to being fully matured adults or even teens and a lot of us do that stuff. Crazy right?

Y'know speaking of crushes when I actually look back on it I kind of realized that each crush I had usually lasted for an entire year or even a little over that. And it'd never be that I would have multiple crushes at once. It'd always be that I was crushing on one girl for an entire year even if I knew she didn't like me back in that way. Example Neve, we were still friends but she told me multiple times she didn't like me like that. After I broke up with Stella I still remained hung up on her for most of the year I'm pretty sure. My thing with Jess, (who I should probably talk about sooner or later since I have known her since Year 6 and she was a big part of my life) who was basically an online girlfriend, well I didn't even get over her fully until about last year in early January. Which kinda meant I stayed hung up on her for about three years. I think a lot of it had to do with me constantly envisioning us together. I mean we both knew what each other looked like, sounded like, we both knew that we were short. I'd have a bad habit of playing two songs over and over in my head which somehow reminded me of her. I don't know why they did either. One was Bones - MagentaLavaLamp and the other one was Echo and the Bunnymen - The Killing Moon. MagentaLavaLamp was more the sound and beat rather then the singer and the lyrics that reminded me of her, and well The Killing Moon just reminded me of my everlasting desire to have that of which I cannot have and the fact that I knew she probably ended up having a boyfriend while I wallowed in my own self pity. "Fate up against your will, through the thick and thin, you will wait until you give yourself to him."

With all that said, that brings me to Hayley. In truth no matter how much I try to disguise it I'm not over her. I mean let's look at the pattern with girls that I actually had a crush on here, every time it's never been something that's simply gone away, I doubt it'll be any easier with somebody who I actually had a thing with. I've tried my best not to care about her anymore from ignoring her texts and calls to trying to point out things about her to myself. "Her smile is so ugly. She's so skinny. Fucking freckles." but I realize me doing those things are just an attempt of building a self defense mechanism against her. Because in truth I loved those things about her. Well except the skinny thing, I just wish she'd eat more. How do I know that I still have at least some sort of feelings towards her? Well first I still for whatever reason get jealous of other guys and her. Secondly whenever I know she is so I can't help but feel this churning feelings in my chest that makes me feel sick. With Shane departing to Christchurch on his flight I saw that she was crying on Snapchat. That really did send me into a weird pit of despair because I then realized that I had made her cry like that in the past. I still do remember how she moved on so quickly from me, how fucked that all was. How she pretty much completely disregarded all my feelings with her. But still, even so, I can't help but feel the way I do. Meanwhile I have other girls who try to talk to me and then I basically ignore them. But, I did feel some feel of relief knowing that she isn't in Atawhai anymore, and even more so that she isn't even going to be in Nelson soon. That sounds cruel and mean I know, but eh.

Y'know that kinda makes me wonder, how do most kids my age who I know move on so quick?

To end it all off, I've got my first day off school tomorrow. Well kind of, it's supposed to be like an hour assembly or whatever we've got to go to. But fuck man, school. Ew.

Peace, -Mars