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The Life Of "Mars".
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2016-12-23 08:26:56 (UTC)

I Meant It All Y'know

Friday 23rd December, 2016

I meant it all y'know. Everything that I said to you. Everything that I said to myself. All of my hopes for us. All of that, I meant every bit of it.

I guess this is all just a piece of writing on what I would say to Hayley if for whatever reason she asked. Which I don't think she ever will, because I guess that stage is behind us. The stage where we called each other babe, where we sent long good night and morning texts to each other. Where we would spend hours at a time non stop just talking about things, about life, about our dreams and desires, our past, what kept us awake at night. Our beliefs and morals, our actions and demons. We'd talk for hours but it would feel so short. I loved that time that we had together.

I adored her eyes, I get this is kind of cliche and almost cringy. But I really did feel like I would get lost in them. They were so divinely blue, so majestically round. The way they would glow with vibrance was just incredible.

I was so smitten with her hair too. When it was long and adorably brown. When it was cut short and dyed Valentine red. The way it would pop into a poofy bundle of hair. I loved it, even though she seemed to dread it.

I was so captivated by the way she walked too. I mean she was just walking, but because it was her everything she seemed to do was just, it just seemed so godly and divine. Even though all she was really doing was just a normal human thing.

I loved the little freckles that dotted her face too. Her face was like the magnificently crafted galaxy, and each freckle was like a star placed in that galaxy.

Her scars, she had scars on her face. She'd always seem so insecure about them. They weren't really that noticeable, but even then in a way I actually liked them. They gave her a certain type of uniqueness that really wasn't found anywhere else on any other girl. She was already special, they just crafted a new way to perceive her beauty.

Her voice. God. That fucking voice. I can't it begin to properly describe the ways it made me feel. The way it gave me butterflies. It was the voice I could hear myself waking up next to. The voice I wanted to keep on talking with for years to come. Her laugh, her laugh was just so damn sweet.

I meant it when I thought about wanting to taste her lips. The softness of the sensation. I wanted to kiss her like she was the oxygen I couldn't breathe. I wanted to stare into those beautifully shaped eyes of hers. I wanted to run my hands through her hair as she layed beside me. I wanted to feel the warmth of her body as her heart thumped next to my own.

I meant it when I said I got insecure about other guys. I mean I'm not tall y'know? I think I'm somewhat good looking but that doesn't mean much. I'd worry about other guys because I thought they'd take away something that I'd feel lost without. Being clingy and stubborn never helpt either. Because while I'd always miss her I'd never want to be the one to strike up something first for some dumb reason.

I meant it when I talked about having a future with her. How we'd adopt a husky and call it Mayonnaise. Have a pet fish and call it Fushina. I liked having goals and ambitions for the future with her. She made me want to strive to be better. How only in a few year's I'd be done with college. That I'd try to get an apartment soon. That maybe she'd even live with me too.

I meant it when I missed her at night when she fell asleep because my sleeping pattern was still so out of whack.

I meant it when I felt furious over the guy who had molested her all those years ago. I wanted to smack her dad for being such a shitty parent. I wanted to strangle Ren when he made her so upset that she cut herself.

I meant it when my head span and my vision blurred when she said she cut herself again because she was so upset. I felt sick thinking of her running a blade across her beautiful skin. I felt the same way when I knew she hadn't been eating either. I wanted her to have a happy and healthy life. I meant it when I said that her low became my low.

I meant it when I said that her 11:11's that she wrote meant the world to me.

I meant it when I thought how lucky I was to have her as my girl. How I'd lose sleep over thinking about her.




But that's changed now. All those things, I meant. Many of them I still feel the same way. But, I don't think she feels the same anymore. She moved on I guess. Soon I will be a distant memory to her, forgotten to time. And while that hurts, while I would of much preferred to of kept her as mine forever, at least we ended in fire. Not in snow.

Peace, -Mars