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The Life Of "Mars".
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2016-12-18 08:13:01 (UTC)

I, Regrettably, Still...

Sunday 18th December, 2016

I still regrettably still, and while it's not really as strong as it was before, well... I think I still like Hayley like I did before. I was thinking about her a lot today. I don't know why either. I felt myself getting over her. I mean I wasn't crazy jealous seeing her cuddle Brodie. But... her voice. The sound of her voice is still in my head. Her laughter. Her accent. It's killing me. I said before I didn't want to date her, or to have a thing with her anymore. That's true, but at the same time there is still this almost unconscious feeling gnawing at me... craving that of what we once had, and more... now thinking about another guy running his hands across her skin, her wrapping her arms around him, another guy feeling her heart beat. It's, it's driving me crazy almost and it's so fucking dumb that it is because I was fine yesterday with all of that. I really was. It's just so fucking weird. I think I still want her. But I can't have her. And I shouldn't either... but still. Why am I like this?

It's weird too because I basically ignored her message today, I mean I was feeling like shit for some reason because I guess I'm sick or something and my back is sore, but damn. I didn't end up replying for a quite a few hours and when I did was basically a bit before she was going to bed.

I made the bad mistake of reading over one of my past entries where I copyed and pasted the love message she sent me... "I want to be with you forever." "I love you babe." Yeah. Fucking kill me seriously. That brought back a lot of well, mixed emotions. Frustration, anger and regret along with sorrow is just naming a few.

She moved on so quick... I... I miss her... how we used to be.. I do, I really do. I don't even know why I'm being like this, I was kind of okay the past few days, and yesterday I was pretty good, but today, I don't know. She wouldn't care though. All that of what we once had, well, I don't think she cares anymore. I mean we're still friends, but like... that past; closeness, well, it feels gone, or different at least. God fucking dammit. Just, argh. I'm sick, sore, and now hung up on a girl again. Fucking hell, get yourself together man.

Peace, -Mars