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The Life Of "Mars".
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2016-12-10 13:14:07 (UTC)

4 U

Saturday 10th December, 2016

Life has been going a bit slow for me recently. I've got video games, I just brought Skyrim Remastered for my Ps4, but they're not really bringing me too much excitement or joy. It's not like I'm totally depressed or anything, no that's not it, it's more I've just got kind of bored with them. I'd rather go outside right now and be with my friends. Hell, just doing something as simple as walking right now would be good to me. The problem is, for the most part my friends are nerds. I could try and hang with Kahm and his mates, but I dunno. I think he'd further my drinking habits right now.

Speaking of drinking, basically each night I've drunk. A lot, not quite too much to the point where I was totally drunk or anything but I was faded for sure. Which is kind of why I haven't been writing recently, since I usually write at night.

I ended up staying up all night last night and went to bed sometime around 12 in the afternoon. I woke up a lot for whatever reason and even though when I woke up I wasn't really tired I wanted to keep forcing myself back to sleep.

In the time that I stayed up, in a half drunken (or just buzzed, dunno) state I made either the mistake, or, well I don't see what kind of good I could of gotten out of it, but I kind of wrote well a piece of writing, about you know who. Hayley. I saved it because actually thought it was kind of well written. I'll copy exactly how it was written and explain what each part meant. Keep in mind these started at exactly 3AM and ended at 5AM.

3:00AM : "For so long, oh so so long, you were my drug, my high, my euphoric ecstasy that I ever so craved."

-Comparing my time with Hayley as the same as being high on a drug.

3:33AM : "Your happiness was my high, your sorrow my low. Come soon, you were my crash. But I refused rehab, because you were my bad addiction that I still lusted after."

-When she was happy, I was happy, comparing my happiness to a high, her sorrow was my low, meaning that when she was sad I was too. "Soon you were my crash" refers to the argument that me and her had where we didn't talk for ages. Rehab, refers to me getting over her, saying that I refused it meant that I didn't want to end things with her.

3:50AM : "Come December, all my fears ventured beyond the realm of my mind and into reality. Insomnia further tightened it's grip around my throat. Euphoria, became lost in a pointless haze."

-In December I found out that she had already moved on, all my past insecurities and ideas about this boy who she was supposedly just friends with came into being. My fear of losing her to another guy became reality. Euphoria, like Mars, is an alias that I use. I'm speaking about myself in third person being lost in a haze of depression and sadness over this.

4:00AM : "And I can't help but wonder, what might of been. It's silly to ponder over the impossible, I know. But what if, just what if, I stayed clean? Who knows?"

-Talking about how I wonder what my life would of been if we never started talking, if I had, like I do without most other people, ignored her message. "Stayed clean" just means not touching the drug, which was her.

4:04AM : I suppose, perhaps, it was never a good idea to pair those who sought to save one another, we were always used to being the hero... now we're both the villain."

-We both used to try and help each other out with out problems, when we both weren't really used to people doing it to us, instead we would do it to other people who were close to us. This kinda caused friction between us. Silly I guess, but it seems to be what happened.

4:22AM : "I guess for the past few days, I've been trying my best to replace you. Problem is I felt, feel, that you couldn't be replaced. Not by man, beast, woman or idea. You were you. My xanax. My mind fuck."

"So, instead, I sought to replace you with toxin. Gold that wasn't gold. Alcohol. And in my loss of reality I found not only comfort, but rejoice as well. Because, you weren't on my mind."

"I found joy in those close to me as well. Brandi, Tyler, Dylan."

-Referring to me getting drunk the last few days over her. "You were you" simply means that I was happy with the way she was, despite whatever flaws. "Gold that wasn't gold" just refers to the type of alcohol I was drinking. DB Gold.

-Brandi has been a massive help with me recently. Tyler and Dylan helped boost my mood when we played together.

4:38AM : "But I guess some things are not destined to last. Good or bad. Whatever it was. And maybe, just maybe, that isn't all bad."

-Me trying to be optimistic about the future; change is a necessary part of life and keeps things interesting.

Unsaid Times (AM) :

"So in the end, I could try for rehab. Give up my heroine. Give up you. But even at the verge of that step, I question myself, is that even what I want?"

-Me being on the verge of trying to get over Hayley. But also me wanting to stick around, just to see what happens."

"If I were to have a chance once more, to pop another pill, to taste you, would I even dare? I don't know. You would destroy me eventually, that's clear to see. But for you, would I even care?"

-Wondering if I would even try to have something of a relationship with Hayley after what happened between us.

"So here we are, the end of the road. Another craves you, as I do as well. But, it's not my place to change that anymore. For I, am now just the lowly addict. Desperate for another hit that he cannot afford."

-The end of the road refers to the end of us as a whole. Brodie, her new boyfriend, seems content with her, happy with her. They're dating. I can't change that. "Desperate for another hit that he cannot afford." refers to me no longer being able to be with her in that way anymore.

"Maybe, in a few years from now we won't even remember anything. Anything of what was. Anything of what could of been. This will all of been a chapter in our lives soon lost to time. One story, amongst millions scattered across the globe."

-Again, trying to be optimistic hoping that soon none of this will even matter. Because soon, well it shouldn't. That what I guess is happening between us is kinda insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

"But to become just another memory in itself is haunting, no?"

-Slightly pessimistic here. The idea of soon fading into nothing more then a memory, when we're probably going to end on a bad note is well to me, bad.

5:00AM : But, I guess I should finish here. I don't know why I randomly decided to write. Maybe because of the rain. Probably going to regret writing this all later, but eh, fuck it. I'm done. Rehab begins now."

-"Maybe because of the rain", while it was raining, the rain, because of the other piece of writing I did about her which I named rain, reminded me of her. "Rehab begins now." Means that I'm now actually going to try and get over her and not dwell over things. Which kinda contradicts the writing piece itself, especially when I put it on my public Snapchat, but I felt it was good to vent and get that out.

I saw my ex from earlier this year, who I broke up with, saw it on Snapchat. So ah, that might be kind of awkward for gossip. Might write a entry about her tomorrow actually.

Hayley messaged me about it too, she just asked, and I don't know if she's playing dumb or legitimately didn't get that it was about her, but she asked "was that a song or was that about me?"

I replied hours later, "You :/ but it's whatever. Dw about it."

No reply since, then again I answered at 12PM. But whatever.

I did a lil lurking and got Brodies Instagram, I dunno, maybe I should chill on the dude. I find him cringy, even is voice annoys me to be honest, but that could be blind hatred. Anyway he did some post about Hayley, so I guess, I guess, if they're happy together. If she is happy, well I guess that's all that should matter to me if I care about her right? Besides, he doesn't seem too bad of a kid I guess. Still angry at Hayley though, I don't forgive her for changing up on me so fast. But I really try not to hold grudges against people, so I guess, I wish her the best.

Peace, -Mars.