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The Life Of "Mars".
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2016-11-25 14:20:29 (UTC)

Thoughts and Rambling: Recent Events (November 2016)

Friday 25th November, 2016

Here's a little something I wrote:

To me you're like the rain, and I love the rain. It's one of my favorite things in this world. The rain can be soft and gentle. It can sound so angelic when it's delicate and kind. It can making falling asleep feel blissful like you're a sleepy toddler once more. But the rain can also be harsh and violent. It can feel like it's attacking you, pounding at you, screaming at you. It can make the nights longer. The rain can be both, the rain could easily be gentle and kind one minute and then aggressive the next, then passive once again almost as if nothing had happened. But passive, violent, kind or enraged, I am still drawn to it all the same. And the thing is with the rain, sunshine always follows where ever it goes. It might come quickly within a matter of minutes or it could take days to arrive, but still, the rays of light that brighten up my world always seem to follow the rain, even after a storm.

? Johnny Goth - Far Away ?

I ended up staying up all night last night and fell asleep around 2 in the afternoon and I'm probably going to do the same thing tonight, since it's already 3AM.

Pretty early on I messaged Hayley asking if she wanted to go to the park later around five. She said maybe, and I said that it was her choice, and to message me later when she had decided, then I said to have fun at school.

Before I could leave she said that she wasn't at school. That kinda made me worry about her, y'know because of what's happened recently. She told me that she lied to her mom about not feeling well so she didn't have to go. She lied because she felt like, and I quote, "...truth is I'm fucking dying inside." She said that this happens each year around this time and I guess I can understand that since it is the end of the year now and I guess all of that emotion builds up over time.

I tried to get her to open up to me, and in the past she'd never really ever have a problem with doing that with me. But she didn't seem to want to. She basically hinted at me that because of the time I told Shane she was about to cut, she hasn't been able to trust me with that sort of thing. I find that kind of shitty, I mean he's her older brother, and she was literally talking about cutting herself. I felt helpless and I couldn't stop her from doing it physically. He could. That's the only reason why I told him, if she had already done it and had stopped I wouldn't have told him. I kinda thought it was fucked that she said she felt like that. I mean she told me Shane, her mom, her other family members thought it was the right thing to do. She even seemed happy that I cared about her enough to tell him so he could get her to stop. Was she lying to me then, or is she lying now?

She asked me if I was okay, and I said I was. She then said "I know you're not." And I said it didn't matter, and that I just wanted to help her. I wanted her to vent to me so I could try to help her, and maybe, and this sounds weird, but maybe so I could feel like she trusted me again.

I don't know, out of no where she told me to fuck off, twice, so I did.

Later on Snapchat she started posting a bunch of songs that kinda sounded like sad romance songs. Kinda. Or maybe they weren't. They were sad songs that's all I can say with certainty. Dunno why but I felt liked posting one song too, "King Of The Dead" by XXXTENTACION.

She then posted something on Snapchat which was kind of cruel like, "You're just annoying me now, but that's cool I'll just sit here and laugh about it because you got over obsessed with me. I warned you what'd happen." and "Silly little boy." She used to always try and say we'd end up fighting like this, and I always tried to comfort her saying I wouldn't let that happen. I'm still trying to keep us together. But there's only so much I can do if she's willing. That snap hurt me though, I'm still trying to be sympathetic to how she feels, about what she's been and is going through. But I've got my own things going on too, I'm emotionally drained as well. I then posted, "Well damn, that hurt". I then checked Messanger a little while later and saw she blocked me, again. I went to sleep and woke up around 7PM.

I messaged her later like, "Still blocked huh? You gonna unblock me later?" and she said probably not. I'm sure she will, but in all fairness, and again I'm trying to be sympathetic here, but I feel she's being well immature.

She tells me she's upset, and whenever I try to help her through it or talk to her about it she gets annoyed at me. I can't help her if she does that no matter how hard I try. I don't understand why she's gotta be like that. Why she can't just be straight up with me and not do these mental emotional gymnastics around me.

I saw she drew something too, I think it might maybe be about me? I don't wanna say for sure but yeah. It was like a flower with this writing under it.

"Sometimes you just gotta be your own hero and save your own little heart. Because sometimes the people you can't imagine living without can actually live without you..."

"I wish I had never met you because then there would be no need for loving you, no need to impress you, no need to want you, no need for crying over you, no need for heart breaks, no need for pain or tears, no need for rejected hugs, no need for crying myself to sleep, no need for acting like you care, no need for everything you've done to make me feel like nothing."

See what I mean? If that is about me, which I'm assuming it is, I don't see why she can't just tell me the way she feels rather then being so indirect. I can hardly get a straight answer out of her.

Well it's Saturday tomorrow, well it's technically Saturday now I guess, but I'm sure she'll be at Laura's house again, probably with Brodie. So kill me yeah?

I blasted Fidlar for awhile and looked at some well, I guess you could call em sad aesthetics? Then I went in the shower at about 2AM with all the lights off and just sat down thinking for awhile. I dunno, I like doing that. It's relaxing to me. It helps me think, and I did a lot of thinking.

I want to try and make things work with me and Hayley, really I do, and I want to keep on trying. But I'm starting to have a hard time telling if she wants me to fuck off or not. If she honestly and truly wanted me to, I would. Even though it would hurt. But I don't know if that's the case, so I do want to try and stick this out.

When I first started caring for her she was the only girl I had eyes for, I could imagine a legitimate future with her. I could imagine us hugging, kissing, embracing. The touch and sensation of her skin. I don't mean that in a sexual way either, I just mean it in the purest way possible. I could imagine myself fighting for her. I could imagine us fighting. I could imagine us working things out. I truly felt invested into her. I'm wondering if me caring well, maybe threw her off? Because apparently that's something that can happen...

It kind of hurts me too because I can remember so many of our conversations. The serious ones we had, the silly ones...

Y'know I saw a little kind of comparison post about jealously the other day, and I thought it was pretty good. I can't remember exactly how it went, but it went along the lines of this person thinking of their significant other as well ice-cream. It's silly, I know. But they described it like being afraid because they wanted their ice-cream all to themselves. They were afraid that someone would take their ice-cream off them, or that somebody would judge them because of the ice-creams taste and texture. A bit of a weird comparison, I know. But I understand it.

I think relationships for the most part are stupid at this age, I mean sure they can be good practice for something in the future, but using another human being as "practice" is shitty, don't you think? I think they're stupid because most of the time I don't think they last. Everybody is too young and dumb to take one seriously enough. Hormones are still changing, which leds to mood swings and it makes it hard for your partner to handle them.

Still, in rare cases maybe they can work out? I wouldn't of even tried to really have a thing with Hayley if I didn't see some sort of potential in her. That leds me to my next thing, which is having "things". I don't understand why you don't just call it a relationship. I mean that's what it really is, isn't it? Just without the formal title. Without that extra commitment.

I've always been told that I'm mature for my age, that I'm wise beyond my years. A part of me thinks that's true, other parts of me aren't so sure. I mean each year, hell, about every five months, I usually look back and things I said and did and think, "Jeez, I was a fuckin immature dumb ass kid." and usually end up cringing.

I was also thinking, isn't it weird how some person can come into your life almost out of nowhere, and suddenly they become a huge significant part to your life when before, you didn't even know that they existed. That kind of fucks me up y'know? I mean think about it, how many people are out there that could potentially affect my life in ways that previous people have.

I'm going to continue to keep writing these entries, I mean I used to try and do them in a book but I'm a very fast typer so this is way easier. I think once I get a fuck ton of entries I'll download every entry and then print it, then have it together as a book. That way when I'm a fully grown adult I can look back and remissness about what I was like about in my youth. I think that'd be pretty fun to do.

I wonder what future me will be like too. If I'll have a family of my own. Hopefully I will, I mean I want one in the future. If I'd get a job as a social worker or a therapist. If I might luckily get some freak growth spurt, which is unlikely. What my hair will be like. If I'll stay committed to working out. If I'll do anything fucked up in the next few years. Ooo, goodie. I'm actually kind of excited to see what the future brings. But right now, well I guess the present is with Hayley. And hopefully I can make it a good present with her, and maybe even future.

-Peace, -Mars.