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The Life Of "Mars".
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2016-11-24 06:48:21 (UTC)

Well Then

Thursday 24th November, 2016

I feel pretty dead right now, but it could just be being silly misunderstanding of this situation. But either way I feel shit. So the other day I managed to clear enough room on my spare phone to get Snapchat again and well I guess I may of seen something I probably didn't want to see. Again, I could be misunderstanding this all, but with my whole insecurity jealously thing, well it's hard to think about it anyway.

I loaded up Snapchat before and played my story, there were about ten separate stories played by various different friends that I have added from school and online friends, before it played Hayley's. At first I thought about moving out of her story, but I'm usually a very curious fellow so I kept watching her story progress. At first it was pretty normal, she wrote something basically as a tribute for her friend who had passed.

Then I saw a, "I love Brodie." The fuck? The actual fuck. My heart dropped and my heart started pounding and I felt kinda dizzy and sick. I mean when she publically wrote those things about me, she never mentioned my name so what does this mean with Brodie? She said "I love you" to some of her other friends like "I love Laura", but they were all girls. This is the part where I mean I might be misunderstanding things. I mean maybe she means it in a friends way for Brodie? Fuck I don't know. She didn't say anything about me. Am I like being casted away from her? Fuck me I hate this feeling. Am I being replaced, again?... I guess this is petty but I posted a photo to Snapchat with the caption "KMS". I don't know why I did. My heart is still beating really fast. It's all fucked too because we're not even dating right? I don't fucking have a right to feel like this. Or maybe I do? I mean fuck right? We had a thing of sorts so maybe these feelings aren't total unjustified bullshit. But still.

Earlier Shane, her brother, messaged me asking if everything is okay. I was kinda confused at first until he said it was about my granddad. I haven't really mentioned this yet, but he got diagnosed with cancer and he's probably not going to live for long which has kind of fucked me up. He said that Hayley told him. I don't have a problem with her telling him, but why? I don't know how that would come up in conversation. Which kind of fucks with my head a bit more because I start trying to over analyses shit.

I really don't like this Brodie kid, I looked at his Facebook and I just don't like him. It's wrong of me, I know. I'm sure he's a cool kid, a nice guy, I mean he otherwise seems like it I guess. But just thinking about him and Hayley, it's really blurring out my senses of all that and all I can then focus on is my jealous hate. I mean I had a dream about fighting him before. I can't remember all the details but yeah that happened. He's 16 too, he's not that much older then me and he doesn't look all that strong so I think I could take him if it came down to it, but then again I don't look very strong either I guess. Fuck. Am I really now thinking about fighting a kid who I've never even met or talked to? The fuck is wrong with me? This is all fucking with my head way too much.

I really want to go back to how things were with me and Hayley. To where we'd talk for hours on end almost nonstop, to where we'd get to know how each other thought about things, our likes, dislikes, bits about our past, our hopes dreams and ambitions. I miss being able to be serious with her and then being able to be silly afterwards. Now it just seems almost doom and gloom. I miss each other calling each other babe, baby, bub. Me calling her princess.

My first waking moment each day would be about her, as would be my last.

I remember when my internet went down and I had to go to school for my exam and my phone connected to the wifi I was flooded with messages like, "BABEEE I MISSED YOU" and things of that sort. Now we're not even talking. That fucking hurts me. It's like we're becoming strangers and no matter how hard I try to fight it we fall apart more. I want her. Her mind. Her body. Just, her. The smallest things keep on reminding me of her and it's killing me.

I think I might need to sleep for awhile now because my head is actually sore now and I feel sick... or maybe I'll just wallow in my own depression.

-Peace, Mars.