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The Life Of "Mars".
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2016-11-22 11:32:27 (UTC)

The Aftermath

Tuesday 22nd November, 2016

Today was pretty boring I guess, I didn't really do all that much. It's weird, without being able to constantly talk with Hayley for pretty much each hour of the day I've become bored and kinda lost on what to do with myself. I mean I'm struggling to remember what I really did for fun before her. It's like when my internet was out, I didn't really miss my TV or my games, only her. And now I have my games and TV, but I don't have her. The rest just feels well, meaningless. I mean when my internet was down I literally could not go five minutes without thinking of her. I kept thinking, "Fuck I miss her."

I tried playing my games. I tried to watch TV. And I guess in someways they helpt me forget a little, but there was still this nagging thought that kept tugging at me reminding me about Hayley. About what we were like before this argument, about how badly I upset her, dreaming on how I could fix it and hopefully make it up to her again. I'd still laugh and have fun with these things, but at the same time I could feel this weird feeling in my chest, kind of like my stomach dropping but near my heart. And the more I thought about Hayley, the worse it became.

I tried to focus on my weights again, admittedly I have gotten pretty slack with them recently so I tried really hard today with them and that kind of kept my mind off Hayley a bit more, but not quite enough I guess.

She wasn't online all day and didn't appear online until maybe around 7PM? I felt pretty shit. She said that she was feeling pretty sad and really stressed out, and that the message I wrote her made her tear up. She said she wanted to have a break for a few days, and I guess I can understand.

Earlier I forgot to take a few things that are happening to her into account. She had a best friend of hers from a few years back who died, and this Thursday is the anniversary of her passing I think, which is going to be hard for her because Hayley cared about her a lot. Her dad who was extremely abusive to her and her family is out of jail after seven years and has been harassing a few of her family friends or something. She's stressed out about school because she's got a lot of stuff that's she fallen behind on due Thursday as well. I guess in my own self pity and loathing that I kind of forgot to think about how she might be feeling about things. Now that I've calmed down I can kinda see that I was maybe being well, a bit selfish.

I feel so bad about all of this. I'd love for nothing more to just hold her in my arms and protect her and make sure she knew how sorry I was. I guess I fucked up, aye?

I think I'll always care about her, even if this whole thing doesn't turn out the way I might want it to. But I dunno, I just don't think no matter how hard I tried I could really settle for just being a guy friend to her.

I wonder how much her friends and family know about our little argument, if any.

Peace, -Mars.