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The Life Of "Mars".
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2016-11-21 08:24:22 (UTC)

The Message

Monday 21th November, 2016

I wrote this to Hayley after we almost argued again a little tonight after she wanted "the truth I never told her."

"Alright fine, I'll keep going. I'm gonna be 100% with you Hayley. Do what you will with this message.

I don't even know how to begin properly. The time talking to you was probably one of the happiest times I've felt in awhile. I mean that. I wasn't depressed or anything, I just always liked to make sure that I never made myself so happy because I know from a lot of past experience that the shit that can make you feel over the moon can also be the reason for your deepest sorrow. So while I kept mostly happy at school and at home, I never really had a feeling of well immense joy. That is, until we started talking.

For the first part of it I still had the whole "Don't let yourself get too happy here mentality." but as we started talking more and more I found myself become happier and happier with you. Each time you talked about being upset over something I became so so so sad. I hated you being upset because I had gotten to that point where I started legitimately caring for you.

I had this ever lasting infatuation with you Hayley everyday became so much better because of you. I had felt joy that I hadn't felt in years. I was so happy with you and you really did mean the world to me. I started losing sleep over you. I already have pretty bad sleeping problems usually but I started not to care because I had you to think about after you went to be.

In one of my group of friends, (I have a few) one of them who are more dicks started sorta shit talking you and I stuck up for you. I defended you and ended up not really being friends with them anymore and now Jaime is more friends with them then I am with em.

I really really cared about you Hayley, and I still do. I would feel so happy each and every day. Talking to you was a blessing to me and when you went to bed I'd sometimes read over our messages from the day. We used to send around 1000 messages a day Hayley. Seriously, I saw a thing earlier and it's like "load 40,000 messages".

I felt accepted by you, I mean you had told your friends, your mom and your brother about me like I wasn't something to hide. Those 11:11s that you wrote me meant the world to me to the point where if I wasn't so enthralled in our conversation I'd be eagerly awaiting for it.

Seeing you in person was so great too. You looked so beautiful to me. I can't even begin to describe the way I felt my heart thump. There was so much I wanted to do in those moments at the bus stop, but felt I couldn't.

When we argued I felt like shit. When I first started caring about you I tried to promise myself that I would never ever be the reason that you cried. That I would never be the one to make you upset. And for some reason, I kept fucking up. I don't know why. I just did.

One of the reasons was because I got jealous. Wanna know why that is? I have serious issues when it comes to these things Hayley. My first ever "real girlfriend" who I dated for quite awhile (before she broke up with me the day I got my hair cut) she started dating my best friend almost instantly. I felt betrayed by both of them. I felt replaced so easily. There was another girl who I've known for years, and while me and her are friends still now I guess we barely talk. I managed to find some chats with her and this other dude, and let's just say they were very, very lovey dovey. I got replaced again by another dude almost instantly. That's why I always felt so weird with you and other guys, because there always apart of me that was so afraid that you'd find something better in them and replace me too. I can't help it. I can't help my thought process, I can't help but think "what if she does like him though?" "what if he can do a better job then me?"

When my internet went out I hated it. You had become such a necessary part of my life that without you I honestly felt lost. I didn't know what to do with myself. I lost almost any motivation that I had to do anything. Studying became hard because every few minutes I'd think about you and it would be hard for me to stop myself.

Seeing you in person again, was magical.

When I saw that message you left for me while my internet was down that was the happiest I have felt in years. I mean it. I almost teared up and I've never cried of happiness ever. I felt like you really, really, really cared about me. I didn't sleep that night, not until about 9am because I kept tossing back and forth thinking about how lucky I was that I had somebody like you. I really thought you should of been the one for me.

When you'd send me photos of yourself I would honestly feel so amazed that I had such a kind, sweet, funny girl who was also so pretty. I still thought you were pretty no matter what. Regardless of the scars. Regardless of those silly photos your friends and family uploaded on your birthday where you were giving yourself a double chin. I cared about you so so so much.

When I made that video of you I really did mean it as a joke. I never ever would of wanted to intentionally hurt you. And me laughing over it was wrong and I still feel shit about making you that upset and I know I can never change that and I am so sorry.

You said you wanted to just be friends and that fucked me up so badly. I mean apart from the "I love yous" the "babes, bubs, princesses" and a few other minor flirting things I was treating you like you were my friend, like you were my best friend. So wondering how to treat you became hard for me because I didn't want you to think I was flirting with you or whatever because I was trying to be the friend that you wanted me to be.

I started to feel like we were more distant. Your texts totally changed and it felt like I wasn't even being treated as just a guy friend. I felt kinda like I was being treated like an annoyance, like the only reason why you were talking to me is because you didn't want to ditch me and hurt my feelings. The one worded answers, the random disappearances where you'd disappear for minutes on end without telling me beforehand or where you had gone after. I felt like I kept on being pushed away. Like you didn't care anymore.

Meeting you and Laura at the park was scary at first. I don't mean that because I was shy or anything, I didn't know how I would react to seeing you in person. If I would try to hug you and apologize, if I would feel angry, if I'd feel like tearing up. But it was great. Especially the night at the park. I didn't even care about the sadness earlier, I was just happy to see you.

I felt so shit the next day because we literally sent only about 15 messages that day. I get it, you were at your friends house so I wasn't expecting a huge conversation, but still, I felt like I was being ignored even more now. What made it worse was when it said you had read my messages and not replied. I took it kinda like as a direct "oi fuck off mate". My insecurity started fueling my thoughts again. I started thinking, "shit wait was she ignoring me for that Brodie dude?" I guess it's silly, I know. I mean I have no right to be jealous, right? I didn't have any place to feel that way. I mean after all you wanted to just be friends right? But still, no matter how much I told myself that, or how many times I tried to reassure myself that I was being dumb, I couldn't help it. I can't help it. And I don't know if I could even settle for being "just friends" if I knew you then had something going on with another dude. I don't know.

Today was probably the lowest I felt. The thing with my grandad, my friends, the stress of doing well in exams... You... And it was all even worse because I kept on making you feel worse.

I don't know, I'm sorry that this was a lot to read especially on a school night but I guess I had to say all of that to you at one point. Hopefully you don't hate me after this. I'm sorry. There's the whole hearted truth. Take it as you... have fun tomorrow... good luck with everything else... goodnight."

She's got school tomorrow and is probably asleep by now I guess. Says she was last online 18 minutes ago... Well fuck... wish me good luck, whoever is reading.

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

Wait right here, I’ll be back in the morning
I know that I’m not that important to you but to me girl, you’re so much more than gorgeous
So much more than perfect
Right now I know that I'm not really worth it
If you give me time I can work on it
Give me some time while I work on it
Losing your patience and girl, I don’t blame you
The earth’s in rotation, you’re waiting for me
Look at my face,while I fuck on your waist;
Cause we only have one conversation a week
That’s why your friends always hating on me
Fuck ‘em though, I did this all by myself
Matter of fact, I ain’t never ask no one for help
And that’s why I don’t pick up my phone when it rings
None of my exes is over Lil Peep
Nobody flexing as much as I be
That’s why she text me and tell me she love me
She know that someday I’ll be over the sea
Making my money and smoking my weed
I think it’s funny, she open up to me, get comfortable with me
Once I got it coming, I love her, she love me
I know that I’m nothing like someone the family want me to be
If I find a way will you walk it with me?
Look at my face while you talking to me
Cause we only have one conversation a week
Can I get one conversation at least?
Shout out to everyone making my beats, you helping me preach
This music’s the only thing keeping the peace when I’m falling to pieces
Look at the sky tonight, all of the stars have a reason
A reason to shine, a reason like mine and I’m falling to pieces
Look at the sky tonight, all of the stars have a reason

- Lil Peep, Star Shopping

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Peace, -Mars.