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2016-11-21 04:00:08 (UTC)

Thoughts and Rambling: Jealously

Monday 21th November

Jealously is a pretty fucked up feeling that sometimes has no real meaning or purpose. It makes way for mistrust and can potentially destroy relationships. You could feel jealous that perhaps your friend got a car for his 18th birthday while you only got a few shirts. You could be jealous that maybe your older brother or sister is a higher achiever then you at school. You could feel jealous that a boy or girl that you like is laughing with another boy or girl. While I guess each situation varies on the people and how they handle things internally within themselves, each still posses the power to potentially damage or ruin your relationships with somebody.

I guess a lot of things can play into why you may feel jealous, trust issues, past problems, insecurities...

I've never really had too many problems with jealously. I think the earliest feeling that I can remember was in primary school in year two when my then best friend Jordan won an award in assembly and I didn't. But I know that feeling didn't even last for a good ten minutes.

Every other feeling I ever had was over a girl, Stella, Jess and now Hayley. I don't think I mentioned this before but after me and Stella broke up the guy who was supposed to be my best friend, William, started dating her a few days later. Jess, who I'll start mentioning later, I found chat logs of her and this guy talking and let's just say they were very lovey dovey. I guess that can kind of attribute to why I feel funny with Hayley being around any other guy. I've been replaceable each time like I was just there to fill the void until they found somebody better.

I don't trust the whole, "We're just friends thing." Because while a girl may legitimately be thinking that's true, in my experience, in knowing so many guys who were "just friends" with girls who I've known, they almost never think that they're just friends with the girl. That's not to say that that's always the case. I'm more then sure there are plenty of guys out there who don't have an interest in those girls and are just friends, but so far I haven't really seen that for myself because at one point or another, somebody catches feelings I guess.

It sucks too, because while you may be with someone and no matter how deeply they seem to be in love with you, or care for you, at the back of your mind you're always thinking, "But why me? What about that dude? I don't see why you would like me and not him. You must like him." Or at least, this feels to be my thought process. I can't help it either, no matter how many times I might try to reassure myself that this isn't the case I can't help but think it even if only for a few seconds. It's my incurable insecurity I guess, and I think it might only be getting worse soon.

Now this might just be my insecurity fueling my thoughts, my jealously, the fact that I look way too closely into detail (which is the reason why I do pretty well on essays because I strive for detail) but I know Hayley, with her friends, have hung out with this dude called Brodie. Brodie goes to a college outside of town, which is kind of good in a way because although I'm sure he's a cool guy otherwise, now a part of me hates him. Anyway I know she's hung out with em. I know yesterday Brodie was at Laura's house with Hayley and another girl. I asked Hayley about it and she pretty much avoided going into any detail about it except describing it as "amazing". Amazing? Why? Because Brodie was there? See that's my thought process. He could have nothing to do with it, for all I know she could of disliked having him there. But I doubt it. I don't even have a right to be jealous either. We're not dating. We're not "a thing" anymore, at least I don't think we are. But still. Still. I can't help myself. I grew so attached to this girl to the point where I can't just simply shut myself off from her like I feel I can kinda do with other people. She told me she's staying at Laura's again tomorrow night with Brodie and two other girls. Fuckin kill me. I saw that Hayley commented on something with Brodie or whatever with hearts and shit. To me that's almost a dead ringer. Could be nothing. But fuck. I mean we sorta used to do that. Fuck. Did I get replaced? That's how I'm feeling right now. I felt so loved and now I feel so fucked over. Fuck! Even her text style has changed. I'm beginning to think this might be the end of us. I don't think I can settle for the whole "Let's just be friends" while she goes off and starts talking with another dude. I really don't think I can do that.

I know she was ignoring me last night too, even though she denies it saying she just forgot to reply. Nah, I saw the "active now" and shit. She says each time she was going to reply she had to go do something but I don't believe that because when she normally has to do something she'll tell me, or she'll say "sorry I was doing *whatever*."

I guess I'm almost annoyed that I'm not invited to this thing either. I mean I guess I'm kinda friends with Laura? Through Hayley at least. Do they not want me there? They invite some other dude but not me? Eugh. Whatever.

XXXTENTACION - Valentine and King <3 <3 <3

Peace, -Mars.