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The Life Of "Mars".
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2016-11-20 07:07:04 (UTC)

Deeper Down The Rabbit Hole

Sunday 20th November, 2016

After I finished Intermediate and went onto college I lost more then half of my friends. See in Nelson the only two colleges in town are an all boys school and an all girls school, and since I deleted Facebook after the whole Stella incident I pretty much lost contact with all of my friends who were girls, which was basically almost all of them.

I for whatever reason didn't see Brodie almost at all in my first year of college. Kahm and I were still trying to be friends but that was hard too since we weren't in the same class either. He already had a set of friends at school who were a year ahead of us. I wouldn't say that I didn't get along with his friends, I mean they were pretty chill and it's not like they didn't want me there or things were super awkward, we just didn't click. No disrespect to em though.

I kind of felt myself wandering between Kahm's group and this one kid who I've known for years called Riley and his friend called Vincent. Me and Riley weren't really either friends, nor were we ever in the same classes. But we knew who each other were and we both used to go to holiday problems together so we kind of bonded there. This kind of became the norm for me either hanging out with Riley and Vincent or Kahm's group. I don't think I was really happy or content with doing that though. I was pretty depressed. I didn't really have that much of a connection with Riley and Vincent either, it was just the fact that I could kind of talk to them.

Thing's weren't getting easier at home either with mom and her delusions. Hearing her talk so excitedly about her having people killed was traumatizing. Every day and night I would hear that shit. I knew it wasn't really happening to people, but I have a very vivid imagination and just knowing that my mom legitimately thought these things were happening and was enjoying it was sickening. My mind ever so slightly, cracked but I was still trying to stay strong for her.

I started ditching school frequently to the point where I would probably not go to school for two three days each week of the year from some point on wards. I guess I began hating people, I was never really aggressive to anybody for the most part I just kept my distance from most people. I just didn't like kids. Or most of my teachers.

There was this one kid called Harry who I guess was just trying to tease me or whatever for banter but I never really took it as just that and told him to fuck off to the point where we almost ended up fighting multiple times right then and there, sometimes even in the woodwork class where there were fucking saws and blades around. There were other kids who were dicks to me too, like Connor or Matt.

My teachers? Fuck. Since I ditched school for the most part I wasn't really that much of a high achiever in tests since I missed out on a lot of the learning. Assignments I could usually get a merit on but I mostly got excellences for those since I would still try and do this work while I was off school. My science teacher must of hated me or some shit because I remember I completely failed a science test and got like a 3/20? Something like that. Anyway he then took my test a few days later and said, "This is by far the worst test I think I have ever seen in all my years of teaching science." He then proceeded to read out my test to the class, mocking most of my answers. He then finished it all off with, "By "Mars". Instantly everybody looked to the very back of the class where I was seated and started laughing. I felt humiliated and it only fueled my drive even further to not attend school. I didn't complain to the school or my mom about it either, I don't know why I didn't tell the school but I wouldn't tell my mom at all because I know she would of freaked. I didn't like my English teacher either, although I typically got high marks in her class I felt that at times she singled me out a lot.

The year 9 dean really didn't like me either, I think it was because my mom got into an argument with her at one point. Anyway I remember I would be in assembly at times and I'd be doing nothing that should of been considered wrong. I wasn't talking. I wasn't doing anything bad. And she would be like, " "Mars" stop doing that." or she'd make me stand up in the middle of assembly, since y'know that's supposed to be an embarrassing punishment. I had her for drama too and there was this one time where this kid like tried putting his foot on me, so I pushed it off and I was the one of got told off for not "asking him nicely" to not put his damn foot on me. Yeah.

At some point at the start of term two I made friends with some kids in my class and a lot of them are still my friends till this day. Jaime, Tyler, Callum, Liam, Ben, Te Maunga... I guess that dulled the pain to some extent but not really. I still couldn't be bothered with going to school but I had found my group. Except Te Maunga wasn't in our group, but he was still my friend.

Thing got progressively worse at home. My mom started to go into detail with these killings. "Yeah, shoot him in the fuckin face." She'd "be on the phone" with these so called enemies of hers (She was just talking to herself really) and she would be laughing to them like, "Oh you got smart to me love so I had your brother shot in the face. His kid just came home now and saw daddie's brains blown out." This was the norm for me I heard this shit on a day to day basis. I could either go to school with people I hated or stay at home, another place that I hated too.

It became normal for her to go out onto our balcony and shout at the neighborhood shit like, "Yeah we're gonna kill ya whole fuckin family aye." It was embarrassing, the whole neighborhood just regarded her as the crazy lady. Dunno what I was supposed to be. Still, I tried to keep playing along with her delusions. Because even though they were violent and terrifying most of the times, she was too far gone. I wouldn't of been able to convince her otherwise anyway. So I did what I thought was right, and acted like I believed her. Because otherwise she'd be like she was deeply and happily in love with these guys. Oh yeah I forgot to mention two new dudes came into the picture. A guy called Sean and a guy called Mark. I dunno, maybe my mom had some fantasy about having multiple husbands? But that was something. And apparently I was made in a lab where I was made from all their genes. Fuckin hell.

Term three and four became worse too. It went from simply killing them to torturing them. And yeah, I had to hear the details of that as well. I felt my mind cracking even further. I'm being serious it actually felt like I could feel my mind shifting into a new deformed shape. The worse thing I ever heard from her that year was her going into massive detail when she was really pissed off about some girl who she got into an argument with at the supermarket. She talked about killing her dad and then gutting him open and making her, and her kids eat him. "Go on love, eat your dads brain and the kids can have his eyeballs." "Yeah, hahahaha, push her kids face in dad's guts." I was losing it. My mind was a slipping mess.

Towards the end of the school year my mom got into a physical fight with this one girl, and then the mental health hospital was informed and they thought it might be a sign of her mental health declining once more. Boy, they had no fuckin idea.

I got put in a foster home for a week. When I first got put in there I only arrived at about 1:30AM and I couldn't sleep until about five AM? My mind was racing. There was apart of me that was so glad to be away from my mom but I was worried for her too and how she'd take being in a hospital.

When I went to school the next morning I was so on edge. I had fuck all sleep and couldn't be bothered eating. I had maths first. There was this one kid in my maths called Hemi who had been giving me shit all year. I mean all year. I was pretty good at ignoring it or staying relatively calm but after that night with no sleep and being so on edge worrying about my mom I wasn't having it. My friend Callum next to me was telling me to just ignore him and stepped in a few times to say "Hey chill" to Hemi. But he just kept fucking going at me. I snapped at him and said "Seriously shut the fuck up." and he gave me that classic response while laughing, "Why what are you going to do about it?" I fuckin snapped yo. I can't even remember what my thought process was then but I grabbed the pen I was using and calmly walked over to his desk. I wasn't frowning nor smiling I knew and felt that my face was emotionless but my heart was so hate fueled in that moment. I thrusted the pen into his forearm and as I did that I grabbed his head and smacked it downwards into his chair and when he looked back up I started smacking him repeatedly. We had a reviler that day and he was an old man with a walking stick so he couldn't rush out of his chair to stop it. Eventually one of the teacher aids broke it up and shortly after one of the assistant principles grabbed me by the back of my shirts collar and pulled me out of class where I was then put in their office. I got three in school suspensions for that where basically I had to sit in a room all by myself for the entire school day and then I was suspended for the rest of the week including the next week on Monday.

The family that I was with was really nice and it felt so good to actually be in a functioning household.

When I got to go visit my mom in the hospital they told me that it looked like my mom had made a good recovery in a short amount of time, and that she just needed different medication. But when I spoke to her in private it seemed like nothing had really changed, and nothing really did when I went back home with her.

So that was year 9.
Peace, -Mars.