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The Life Of "Mars".
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2016-11-18 09:53:16 (UTC)

Masked

Friday 18th November, 2016

I'm still really upset about last night, the whole thing with Hayley is still eating at me. I'm going back to rebuilding my emotional walls with this sort of thing. I feel as if I had a hard shell beforehand, and just for her I took a part of it off so she could know and see me better. So I could let her in my walls to protect her maybe. This left me exposed, and I was hurt because I didn't have my shell to protect me. So now I have a wound which will take time to heal, because of this it was like a lesson not to take it off. Kinda like how somebody not wearing safety equipment on a tough job would take it as a lesson to wear protective gear next time so they don't hurt themselves.

When I say I feel numb to things I don't totally mean I don't feel anything at all. I still feel happy at times, as well a sad, I just feel that this shell I used to wear protected me from getting really sad, because while things made me happy; they never made me so happy that they could also make me sad, if that makes any sense. Only Hayley did, and look where that got me.

I'm trying to put on a brave face for her, because if I were to go off all pissy and upset at her, she'd get really upset. So for the time being I'm going to at least try to be the friend she wants. Even though that isn't entirely what I want. I feel pretty sad really, it's like I went from being wanted to not. To be loved to liked. I'm back on the outside of her wall, and I've withdrawn into my own. She told me that maybe she might feel different again, and that's cool, but if she were to change her mind now; or in the near future I think I'd be angry at her. It'd toy with my feelings even more. Y'know, you like me, you don't, then you do? I couldn't cope with that regardless of my feelings for her.

We're still supposed to meet up tomorrow along with Laura, I think that will be interesting I guess. I don't know how that will play out. I'll try to play it cool. Be chill. Shouldn't be too hard, I can be good at faking emotions if need be. Hopefully I won't need to.

I wonder if anyone else at my school, or just in my year or even in my classes feels what I do. Thinks like I do. Am I really an individual? Or is that just a mask. A curtain of illusions to give us a sense of subconscious individuality. It doesn't matter. Regardless we're never going to have the exact same thoughts and ideas, I hope. Do I really hope that though? Would knowing someone else is suffering give me a sense of comfort that I'm not the only one in pain? Or would it further my pain even more, knowing that somebody too was suffering. Or would I feel indifferent. I really can't say for certain. It depends on who that person is I guess.

I feel my purpose in life is to serve others. To aid in their happiness, to help them strive and achieve what they want. To offer protection and comfort even at the cost of my own well being and happiness. It doesn't matter, my story is but one of millions across the globe scattered across time. I don't have any real ambitions to do anything else then help people. Perhaps I could help someone find their own place so they can make their own mark, or give somebody the inspiration to help others as well, so then they can help people make their marks in the future.

I only work hard at school because in the future I will need it to get a good job, to hopefully support my mom or whatever family I might end up having. Same goes with working out, I only do this so I can be strong enough physically to defend those who I care for if the time ever comes for me to need to do so. Playing video games or other things is just be passing the time.

I felt happy briefly today, so maybe that is a sign of improvement. But it was only when I was surrounded by some of my history class friends while we waited for our exams. I forgot about Hayley. Ben, Rod, Ruben, Declan... They're all great people.

The exam was tedious, my arm felt numb and dead the entire time but I managed to write over five pages about the French Revolution. I mostly focused on the Enlightenment Period. The Rainbow Warrior I struggled more with simply because I started to get tired since I was there for almost three hours, as well as I didn't study it as much. I think it was better to know one of them deeply and not have as much information about the other one then to have half ass knowledge about both. That way I should of been guaranteed to pass at least one.

I made plans with my friend Te Maunga to hang on Monday, but I don't know how I feel about going anymore right now. I feel unmotivated. I think I might call it off until next week.

I downloaded a fuck ton of music last night too by the way. Mostly XXXTENTACION. I fuckin love that dude. His sad songs I feel kinda therapeutic and I feel a sense of connection, that to whoever listened, and I mean really listened, felt a sense of what I was feeling at that moment. And in a strange way, that made me feel connected. His other stuff is just easy to get hyped to. It "goes hard as fuck".

Going to end it off here and go write about my past again since I haven't done that for awhile.
Peace, -Mars.