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The Life Of "Mars".
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2016-11-17 10:46:09 (UTC)

Sucker For Pain, part two

Thursday 17th November, 2016

God, I seriously love this dude X, or Jahseh, I've fucked with his music for awhile but I mostly only ever listened to his raw shit. The real aggressive in your face stuff. But in the past few weeks I've started listening to more of his emotional shit. His thoughts and ideas are well, beautiful in a sad way. I feel myself expressed through the music that he presents. So here's another song by him that I feel kind of plays well into the situation and how I guess I feel about things.

"star fall, fear calls waiting on you I’d never run,

kiss, fuck, I won’t feel I doubt that I would ever want,

hold me, kiss me, fuck me, you don’t wanna love,

haunt me, hang me, love me I don’t ever love.

(Hums) There’s an Elephant In this Room,

now ask yourself this, who’s perspective am I writing from,

even I don’t know,

I’m sorry."

Hayley and I talked, we argued a lot. She wants to go back to being friends and seems set on it. That confuses me, a lot. While my internet was down she wrote this to me;

"Every morning is so great, and it’s all because of you. I hope your day is filled with the sweetest moments that you’ll remember forever, and that you have an amazing day ahead of you in every way possible. Spending time to talk with you is undoubtedly the greatest thing ever. It’s the most enjoyable thing I have ever done in my life. When I’m talking with you I have the time of my life and time flies by. But when we are apart, every second is spent in agony waiting to talk with you again. I love you and I miss you so incredibly much, can’t wait to see you again! I just wanted to take this time to say thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for loving me and accepting me unconditionally and providing me with undivided love and attention. I thank you for all the laughs we’ve shared and the great times we have had. You’ve always been my rock in hard situations and the sunshine when its cloudy outside. You’re my everything and I LOVE YOU. Babe, just wanted to let you know that if anyone tries to flirt with me- whether it’s in person or over a text message- I will proudly let them know that I am in a very committed with you, cause you are the ONE guy i want to talk to or even see. at that, i hope this message makes you smile when you get it i love you so much and really miss having 13 hour talks heh :( ive been lost not talking to you because ive been soooo boreeedddd, cant wait for u to get internet again baby i love you, and btw laura is coming to atawhai next weekend if u wanna catch up."

"just gonna say again... I miss you so much, more and more every single day. And even though we are one day closer to being together again, I still miss you all the same. I once had a competition with adjectives, and I won, because adjectives failed to give me a word that described how much you mean to me. I love you more than words could ever describe. I want to be with you and only you for the rest of my life. I want to be with you forever baby. You are the only one for me, I promise you that, and only one I will ever need in my life. No matter how many times we fight or argue, I always want to work it out. No one could ever take your place. You are amazing in every way and I don’t know what I would do or where I would be if I never met you. You understand me like no one else can and I can truly relate to you in every way. I mean it when I say that I am yours, and you are mine. I love you and will always fight for you. You have truly changed my life in ways you will never understand. Everything was going wrong in my life until the day I met you. You have made and always make everything in my life better. You make my heart skip a beat from your cute good morning text messages to those adorable nicknames you come up for me. You are my world. I’ve honestly fallen deeply in love with you and I am not afraid to say it. We have been through thick and thin and we are still going strong. I can’t imagine my life without you by my side. I love you so much I can’t even explain it! Forever and ever baby. You’re my everything and I mean that. You have my heart forever and always and nothing will ever change that. . I feel as though you and I are meant to be together. I’ve found my soul mate, and that’s something that only happens in the movies. It’s a magical experience and I’m going to hold on to you. I know I say “I love you” all the time, but that’s not enough. Those three words can’t describe the way I feel about you. You make my tummy do flips and my hands shake. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you and I don’t think I will ever love someone this much again. You’re everything I have ever wanted and needed. I love you so much, you’re my everything, my entire heart and world.
You are undoubtedly the most amazing, loving, kind, adorable, handsome, cute, funny, sweet, perfect guy I have ever met and I am so lucky to have you. I don’t mind staying up all night and being tired the next day as long as I’m talking to you.
. Ugh, it’s too hard for me to fall asleep tonight. It’s probably because you’re not here next to me. I miss you so much and wish I could have your strong arms wrapped around me while I sleep. I love you, goodnight. It was so incredibly lovely to hear your amazing voice this afternoon. I can say it a million times and it still won’t be enough: I LOVE YOU. Your love is amazing. It’s perfect. It’s GREAT.
So sweet! not in a sexual way I just wanted to say thank you for giving me a piece of your heart. I couldn’t ask for anything better in this entire world. You are so amazing in every way and I love you beyond description."

I don't see how her feelings can change so rapidly for me. From writing me that to wanting to erase all of it and just become "good friends". I feel kind of played. It's fucked too because I still care about her a lot and I don't think that will change. I don't feel I can "just be good friends". I don't fucking know. She's basically classed me with all her other guy friends. A part of that makes me wonder almost, if perhaps I'm not the first to experience this with her. To be thrown into the pit of guy friends. I mean maybe I was a bit more special because she told her mom and friends about me, but fuck I don't even know anymore. I had trust issues before, I still do to some extent, it's my insecurities, I can't help it. This didn't help and with my bad habit of looking into detail too much, I could be over thinking things. I don't know.

I mean I thought we were fine, we weren't officially dating or anything, we had a thing of sorts but I mean we were never defined as something, I don't see why things needed to change.

If you're wondering yes I did cut myself before too, across my legs and on my arm. Once was for the reason I mentioned prior, the second time I cut deeper to where the blade was actually inside me because I, was the reason she was crying. Y'know I tried to promise myself I'd never be the reason she'd cry, but here we are.

We calmed down a bit, sort of. I think she was maybe trying to cheer me up after we fought, but I was still depressed beyond belief. I still am. We talked for maybe about an hour or two, and it was similar to how we usually would. Just no bubs, babes, babys or that stuff. The vibe felt different to me. I didn't smile once either. I usually smile a few times a minute when we're talking good, but I didn't smile at all. I was numb and my heart was cold. My fingertips were ice.

She still invited me to hang with her and Laura, so I guess that's happening. Still, I want to hold her in my arms. But that can't happen now. I don't know. Maybe I don't deserve her, or anybody for that matter. Y'know another song that I felt befitting to all this? FIDLAR - I Wanna Die. I don't actually want to die by the way, but the lyrics speak to me in a haunting way.

I think I might maybe start distancing myself. She wants to be just friends? Fine. What she doesn't know is that I don't really text or talk with my friends all that much, we talk in person not over the phone. I think I might just start focusing on me again. Give it up. I want to fight for her, but not if she doesn't want me to. I think I'll get back into working out. I, I think I love her. But this pain is all too much for me, I can't have my feelings played with if this is going to continue.I should go back to being completely numb, because giving myself way to emotions like these brings sadness that I can't fully comprehend. I'll see how things play out.

I have my exam tomorrow, I still need to study a bit for the Rainbow Warrior but I should be fine. I'm really close to passing the year now because I remembered those 73 credits don't include the science and english exams I did, so it's very possible I've already passed.

I also decided to write XXXTENTACION a message on Skype, I saw things and it looks like he does actually respond to his fans. I guess I'll end things here.

Peace, -Mars.