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The Life Of "Mars".
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2016-11-17 03:27:29 (UTC)

Sucker For Pain

Thursday 17th November, 2016

Valentine and King by XXXTENTACION are amazing songs.

I don't know what my deal with Hayley is anymore. It's like she goes from caring about me immensely to not. I feel I fuck things up worse each time. Maybe I'm not cut out for the whole relationship thing. I think I need a break from her. I care for her so much but this is killing me I can't even think straight at this point. I haven't felt happiness in almost anything in so long besides her, and now even she's hurting me and in turn I feel I do the same to her.

Sometimes I wonder what my point is in life. I'm not suicidal. But I do question my purpose. I try to live for others. I've always tried to put others well being and happiness before mine. I did that to Jaime and he's gone. I try to do that to Hayley and I feel hurt. I wonder what I'm supposed to exist for. I don't want to exist without a purpose. I don't want to cling to a life without meaning. I feel as I edge closer to the age of adulthood I'll be lost.

Sometime last night she showed me a video of herself with her friends at school where she fell over, and I as a joke made this little slide show where it was basically three screenshots of her falling over with "when you try your best and you don't succeed" playing in the background. It was a joke, I guess she didn't find it funny. Later I was in a phone call with Hayley and her friend Laura and I posted the video and was laughing over it and the way Laura was saying "don't laugh". I guess I fucked up even more, again.

She was unbelievably upset at me and all my happiness was whisked away in an instant. I keep hurting someone who I care so much about. Why? Am I sadistic? Do I subconsciously find some kind of comfort or pleasure in the pain of those close to me? Because I keep fucking it up. I'm not learning. I'm not making progress with myself. I just keep bringing things back to square one. Maybe I'm a psychopath. I wouldn't be too surprised to be honest. Mental health problems are ripe in my family tree... my mom, my granddad. Dealing with my moms schizophrenia in year 9 and 10 fucked my mind up so much on a daily and nightly basis to where I was going beyond the point of insanity. I was going to wait before I talked about this for the purpose of building up my lifes story, y'know how I've been talking about intermediate, primary school stuff like that. But fuck it. Year 9 and 10 were a time where I generally felt suicidal and I think I was on the verge of trying it multiple times. I scoffed a massive mix of different pills once in a pathetic attempt of hopefully overdosing, but all I did was make myself sick for a few days. I heard so much shit it drove me insane. Talks of torturing people. Killing em. Making them eat each other on some cannibalistic shit. My mom screaming at virtually nothing. Threatening to kill people in public. Her mimicking people crying. Those sadistic laughs haunt me. I suffered migraines last year. I started feeling so angry about things I actually suffered severe migraines and even passed out at one point. I don't know. I think I might be writing all this shit about my past in some dumb way of trying to feel sorry for myself because again, I'm an emotional little bitch.

I went off track. Anyway, back to Hayley. She went to bed all upset at me. I don't know why but I went outside at around 11pm and walked down the highway at night, and then stood by the sea. I wanted to clear my thoughts. I like walking at night. It's like I'm alone and all the stress of day to day life feels irrelevant.

I have a History exam tomorrow, I stayed up until about 5am last night trying to study for it. I've got 73 credits and I need 80 to pass. I should be fine for the most part knowing shit about the French Revolution. But my thoughts are all a mess tomorrow and I think I might have to take the bus tomorrow. I don't know if I could stand seeing Hayley.

She got home from school a little while ago and told me she wants to quit the whole "bub, babe, baby" thing and be friends because we'll hurt each other. What the fuck? Literally the other day she wrote me a long ass message about how she cares about me, and how she wants to work through whatever arguments we ever have. We have one and she says she wants to just be friends. The fuck. I care for her so much but she's messing my already fucked head up. I haven't gotten back to her.

There's a small knife I have in my room. I've been staring at it for awhile now wondering if I should. And y'know what? I think I will. Fuck it. I'm not feeling anything else but dispair and I don't think I'm going to feel better from anything else. I hate feeling sad. So maybe I can find comfort in the sensation of a sting.

Peace, -Mars.