đường dây đánh bạc nghìn tỷ_khuyến mãi tiền cược miễn phí 2019_đăng ký website miễn phí 2019

The Life Of "Mars".
To bottom ↓
To top ↑
RSS subscribe

Đánh bạc miễn phí 2019 www.bestdistortionpedal.com tip jar

Ad 2:

2016-10-31 09:42:05 (UTC)

Outsider, Nostalgia, and Want

Tuesday 31st October, 2016

When I went back to school in year four I had Tyrone, Isiah, Kia and Kyla in my class. There was a kid called Ari too, he was in my class last year but we weren't friends. But I knew who he was. Well in year four he became my friend. We had this teacher called Mr Franswa. I probably just butchered the spelling of his name but oh well.

There was a girl who I had a crush on too. I guess you could say she was my first ever 'real' crush. Her name was Kate. She had short blonde hair. I uh, I think I liked her quite a bit back then heh. She was my friend too. I used to imagine me and her as adults being married. Silly I know, but it made me feel so giddy. I think I had that crush all year and even a little into year five.

I remember once that because she was so in love with rabbits and that usually in the morning her mom would bring her pet baby rabbit to class and everybody would be so amazed by the rabbit. I remember that one morning I brought a rabbit teddy into class. I arrived unusually early and snuck the teddy in Kate's desk. She was so happy it was amazing. And I remember her and her best friend Alex were playing with the rabbit and the rabbit teddy. She had no idea I put it there.

The problems with my mom began again. They weren't nearly as bad as last time though. I wasn't being yelled at for being a demon, it was just the whole "God is your dad and I'm his wife." deal. It didn't really bother me either because apart from that my mom was amazingly nice and caring. I wouldn't know how to go about getting help anyway. Until one day I was called to see one of the teachers. I can't remember who it was. It was somebody higher up then a average teacher in the school though I'm sure. Anyway they asked me if everything was okay at home with mom. And I told them the truth. I was promptly put back into foster care. This time it was for a lot longer.

I went back with Holly and Robert for a few weeks. Dan had gone back to America. I think a part of me was most excited to see him. I only stayed with them for a few weeks because they had to go up to Christchurch for a bit. I can't remember what for, but I was then put with a new home.

I'm wasn't that fond of this home. They weren't particularly mean or anything I just don't think they were really nice. The dad there kinda scared me. He was a huge hunting fanatic and hung the skulls of past deer he killed on the walls and shelves.

Eventually they asked if I wanted to move in with my cousins in Nelson, y'know with Bailey and Steve. I was more then happy to go with them. And Uncle Steve divorced "The Witch" and found a new girl who was really nice. Her name was Delfie.

Delfie was around Steve's age, she was kind of short and had short brown hair. She had four kids as well, so there were nine kids in the house now with my addition.

Being with them was kind of hard to be honest. On one hand I had Delfie and two of her older daughters who were incredibly nice to me, along with Isabella. On the other hand I was bullied to say the least by everybody else. Bailey, Luke, Jordan, and two of Delfie's kids. Them being Douglas, who was a year 9, and Joe who was Luke's age. I was given a lot of shit by them for me liking Pokemon. Each of the boys were into war, guns, cars that sort of thing. I was more into things that I guess could be considered more childish. Such as Pokemon, and I still had my teddies. In fact I still have many of them till this day, except now they're stored away in my closet. They'd throw my teddies around over my head and shit. Basically I was always the "piggy in the middle".

I remember one day they got me downstairs in the garage, where I was then locked in the garage with no way out. The problem is that Steve and Delfie were out getting groceries. So I was then stuck in the cold dark garage by myself. Did I mention that I was still really scared of the dark back then? Yeah that didn't help.

I'm not really a fan of Steve anymore either. I remember that one day Luke was really upsetting me. It's kind of foggy on what he was doing but I know a part of it was him pushing me. Now it's not like being pushed was totally abnormal for me but that's not to say I was used to it yet. So anyway, on this day that he was pushing me, I decided to hit him. It wasn't like a super hard hit or anything. It was more of an emotional, wet, tear fueled push of anger to say "Get away from me." This didn't sit well with Luke, because he then ran off crying to Steve. I remember Steve charged at me and held me against the wall by my throat. He said something along the lines of "Don't ever touch my son." Understandable, I'd be pissed if someone hit my kid too. But, I was family. Right? I was a kid. You're not really supposed to hit kids, isn't that the golden rule? Well I silently sobbed myself to sleep that night. The next morning we acted as if nothing happened. No apologies. No anger. Nothing. Not even silence.

When I went back home to my mom things were fine again, and they would remain to be fine for another few years. The school year was coming to a halt. I was the star of a class play in a assembly. I was an old western cowboy. On the last day of year four I told Kate that I liked her, and then I ran off giggling.

Year five was one of the best times of my life. I had Tyrone in my class. I made new friends. Tyrone moved to a place where he was just up the road from me and I would walk down to his house. We did this in year six too. Sometimes I'd go to church with them.

I remember that in year five we had a school play. Yours truly had a part of course. Except I didn't get a massive role. In fact I was bush. But I guess I was a good bush since I got a certificate for it in assembly. Oh yeah I sung at parts too, a lot of the songs were by the Beatles.

Year six however, I think that was actually the happiest time of my life. For the most part anyway. Year six was the final year of primary school and I had so many friends.

There was Sam G, Sam T, yeah there were two Sams, Gabe, Keegan, Caleb, Ari, Jacob, Tyrone, Kyla, Neve, Kia, Aeran, Huw, Anthony...

Our teacher was amazing too, he was really nice too. His name was Mr Munslow. Weird name, yeah I know.

I had a bit of a crush on Neve. In fact it was a big crush. Unlike my crush on Kate which I kept secret I openly declared that "I loved" Neve. Y'know the funny part? I had picked up such words as "Babe" and "Baby." from a show called Total Drama Island. So here was little old ten year old me was declaring his love for a girl, who by the way said she didn't like me back, was calling her babe. I was used to hearing the stories of "If you try hard enough a girl will fall in love with you." yeah. Worst yet I don't know where I heard it, I think it was from an older guy who said it by accident and then said "Oh, they're just nice ladies."... The word was prostitute. I was now calling this girl who I liked, babe, baby, and prostitute. Smooth, smooth.

Me and Tyrone continued to go to each others houses. I mostly went to his. I miss Tyrone a lot. He was the only one who remained my friend each year. Kyla and Kia were almost like that except for one year where I barely saw them. I didn't go to their houses either nor hang out after school. Except on the one occasion where I went to Kyla's birthday party. So I didn't have the same kind of bond with them.

I was almost like apart of the family with Tyrone. I was invited to every event they went to, including both of Tyrone's younger brothers birthday parties. Even at times I was invited to their more distant relatives parties. I thought of Tyrone almost like a brother. The brother that I never had. I loved him in a way. I mean that, I feel a heavy feeling in my chest as I write this now.

I went to basically all of my friends birthdays that year.

Camp. The year six camp was one of the highlights of my life. There was so much stuff. I can't remember the name of the camp but we called it "Camp Marijuana" because that's what it sort of sounded like. We walked for so long at one point we even walked during the rain. We played things like manhunt at night. Roasted marshmellows. Swam at the wharf. I got pulled on the biscuit. We did these mini plays too. Me and Tyrone, along with others, did a play. It was Star Wars themed. I was trying to convince Tyrone to come to the darkside of the force. I remember I said "Come to the dark side," I flashed Neve a slight glance, "You'll get a black cape. The ladies LOVE the black cape." The teachers and adults laughed hysterically and y'know what? I made the entire line up as I went. Felt pretty proud of myself for that, yes sir.

I don't know what happened. Me and Tyrone began arguing, a lot. In all fairness I was being a little shit. But so was he. We were both at fault. One day we were playing ball tag on the playground at the bottom field. I was trying to get away and I wanted to go down the slide. For whatever reason Tyrone stood in my way. He wouldn't let me go down the slide. I tried to move past him but he wouldn't let me. We got into a fight, physically. That was the downfall of our friendship.

Till this day I regret how I handled that. I was upset, I could of probably just walked away or gone down a different route to escape. I lost my bestfriend. Years of friendship destroyed in the span of about two weeks. All the time we spent together. The memories we shared. The laughter. The happiness. All of that erased in not even the fraction of the time that we spent together.

I'll continue with what happened later, but I want to now write about the present day again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hayley and I were okay today. She was so distant in the early hours of today.
I hated it. I felt unwanted in a way. There were times where I felt halting our conversation and telling her how I felt. Another part of me felt like just leaving her on read or saying I needed to go. For awhile I was just getting the "K", "Yeah." and "Lol." I kept at it though and eventually our conversation went back to how it usually is. Sort of...

She didn't call me babe, baby or any of our usual pet names once today. Last night I sent her a voice message because I felt bad about our argument and apologized. I said that a part of the reason why I got upset is because I thought she was saying that she didn't like me like that anymore. When I woke up I saw that she said that she didn't mean it like that. Well in her words it was "No of course not I didn't mean it like that xx".

Still, I feel distant from her. And I hate it. There's a part of me that regrets getting attached so dearly. She used to be the clingy one spamming me with messages while I was away. Now it feels like I'm the one who is clingy and emotional. I feel like I should maybe distance myself to see what she does. I'm kind of worried if I do that I'll do it too much and something bad will happen. I'm at a loss here.

I want her again. I feel kind of shit that she isn't acting like she was before. Fucking hell. I'm selfish. I know she's kinda going some shit right now. Her dad who she hates is out of jail now after seven years and potentially wants to kill her mom. She's losing one of her oldest friends who she's known for six years. She's bi polar. Sensitive. All of that can't be good for her. She's even told me she's stressed. I'm selfish. But I want her to kind of go back to calling me baby. And for me to do the same... I want the random I love yous. I miss it. I took it for granted. I didn't realize how much I really liked her until she started feeling distant. Did me becoming attached throw her off? Fuck. We're talking as I write this, we have been the entire time.

I don't know if I can fully take seeing her tomorrow. I want to ditch school again but I promised her I'd go. I don't know if I can look her in the eyes without feeling some sort of, well, I don't know, pain...

I've only ever cut twice. The first time was just out of curiosity. I had a friend who did it and I wanted to see what he got out of it. I thought it was dumb. Stupid. The second time, I sympathized a lot more. I was extremely sad when I did it. I couldn't find happiness in anything that I did. Even the things that would usually cheer me up the most. I hated being sad. I hated hating things, if that makes sense. But feeling the sting, the cut it brought on something else other then sadness and hate. Something new. Feeling something other then those made me feel better, in a sick way. I almost crave that sting again. I desire it badly I lust for it. But I know it's only a short term relief for something curable.

I just made her sad. I made her go to sleep. I'm not going. I can't. I won't. I can't handle school right now. I can't handle the outside world. I just want to remain in my room oblivious to whatever is outside. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate that I can feel water gather in my eye as I type this. I fucking hate it. I'm wondering if I should send her a message telling her what I just wrote earlier. I fucking hate this I haven't had a good night with her in days. I fucking ruin it. How can I care for this girl so much but always find a way to somehow fuck things up? I want those good night texts. The goodnight love yous. To feel the connection. She lives not five minutes away from me god dammit I want to walk up there burst into her room and tell her how I feel. I can't. I miss waking up with the texts from her about how much she cares for me. I hate sending those messages which she would also send to me not out of passion and thoughtfulness but out of anguish, as an apology. I mean every word I say don't get me wrong. I just want it to be beautiful. Not a sorry message that won't mean shit the next day because I'll fuck it all up again.

I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. I'm not cutting. I've calmed myself down beyond that point I guess. But I don't feel like school anymore.
Peace, -Mars.

UPDATE: Felt I should update this since it literally happened as I posted this but she sent me a good night message like before.