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Current Events - Friends and Passion

Monday 30th October, 2016

☆

And I’m always where the
Sun don’t shine, the
Tears don’t show, won't
Hurt me now 'cause
Heart's been broke, I
Hate myself but
It won't show, I
Constantly lose all
My remorse, and it's
Ten for the wolf and
Three for the shepherd and it's
One for the sheep who
Led by a leopard, often
Gave his perception as a
Handle of weapon, took a
Bite of your apple, give me
All you can offer, now I'm
Trapped in a changing maze
Setting my soul ablaze
Couldn’t control the pace
Where is this going? Hey
Heartless is recklessness, it is
Word of a pacifist to the
Word of a masochist, I'm
Off of the map, my Lord I
Spoke to a baphomet, he
Said he would save me if I
Gave him one thing he needed
What is this thing I pleaded?
Boy, it's the key to even
Yeah

☆

That's a certain song that I like a lot. Before I continue with the story of well, my childhood I think I should write an update on what's happening in the present day to me.

These past few weeks for me have been a roller coaster of ups and downs and fucked spirals. Quite often something really bad would be happening while something good would be at the same time. About a month ago my best friend Jaime who I've known since I started college confessed to me that he had been having thoughts of suicide. This thankfully didn't last long and a week later he was back to his usual self, well almost. To me it feels like he's been drifting away. He's been really aggressive and almost a bit of a dick. There's a tear in my group of friends where somebody wants to fight somebody else, people leaving to go live in Auckland, people not even going to school next year. It's draining me. I've barely attended class. In the span of two weeks I've only attended two or three times.

Don't worry my grades are still fine, I'm still at the top of my English class and I've passed every assignment and test except a small two credit science test. I just have to wait for exams to come.

I uh, there's a girl I like a lot. And she likes me back. We're not dating though. Her name is Hayley. On Saturday and Friday night we kinda argued a little, and then again about an hour ago. They weren't about one of us being a dick or anything, no rather it was more about well - feelings.

Now Hayley is an extremely beautiful girl. She has these gorgeous blue round eyes that you get lost in. She's so funny too. Her mind is so sweet. Her humor, great. Her voice is adorable. She to me, is what's kept me in a pretty good mood all around despite the otherwise shitty events. I actually legitimately care for her. I hate myself when I make her upset.

The one downside to Hayley is she is well kinda sensitive and does have mood swings. Because she is Bi-Polar. I don't mind that, like it doesn't throw me off her. It's just something that I thought might be worth mentioning.

Anyway, we argued because to put it simply. I was jealous. She showed me screenshots of her talking to this dude. Now I just wanna clarify, I don't have a problem with her having guy friends. It's fine to me. The problem with this dude is he kissed her. Now she told me that she didn't want it and she pulled away, and that he now lived in Australia. I don't know. Seeing a photo of that guy and then knowing that he put his lips on her. Immature, dumb, stupid I know. But it kinda set me off. She got pissed at me for the night and went to bed. I sent her a long ass message apologizing at stuff.

I felt like shit for making her upset.

I stayed up all night, and then went to bed around 1:30 in the afternoon. When I woke up Hayley sent me a message. She basically just said she wanted to be chill and not rush into a relationship. Which in hindsight, is fine. But in my still tired, confused and somewhat emotional state I kinda took it as a "I don't like you anymore." Which hurt. Of course this isn't what she was saying now that I actually kinda calmed down and thought about it. And I mean we're still talking as per usual so I don't think anything changed. It was just an argument.

Still I got sort of emotional. And the way I was raised, the way that I kinda believe things should be is that well - the guy shouldn't be the emotional little bitch. I felt almost like crying. I DO NOT CRY. Ever. The fact that she made me feel like it almost bothers me in a way. I don't like to be weak.

Still, I'm kind of worried. We usually call each other babe/baby. We do like long good nights. We didn't do that tonight. I basically just got the "Night." and she left. I hate that. I fucking hate that now the slightest change in her mood or style in text can throw me off. I'm not like that. I usually don't give a fuck about things like that. Then again, she was talking about me kissing her so I don't know. I have a really bad habit of over thinking things or looking into detail that I don't need to. It's just how I am.

I don't think I'll be going to school tomorrow again either. Tuesday and Wednesday are awards ceremony so I'll probably ditch that too.

Anyway it's kind of late here, so I'm going to finish off here.
Peace, - Mars.