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2015-12-05 15:22:29 (UTC)

December Nights with E. last night. Why did..

December Nights with E. last night. Why did I get so uncomfortable when he touched my back as we were about to cross the street? Perhaps I had an anxiety breakdown. I found myself stricken with the same sensation when we used to be together; I worried about other people, how it all appeared. I felt like a child, unable to control my thoughts or my growing anxiety. E. wanted to take a picture of a cardboard cutout of Bernie Sanders and I shied away in disdain. He called me a put off and bitter person. I reacted coldly. Perhaps my anxiety came, too, from a vague sense of fear from E. himself, like how from out of the blue he would commit actions that would embarrass me. For it is like him to not have that social sense, that inhibition to ascertain which behavior could be crossing the line. Anyhow, such impression was reminiscent of the past, when him and I were together. I am glad we are over and no more. 'I am glad we broke up,' he even said it himself later.

M. miraculously had spotted us out of the thousands of people from the crowd. E. and I were waiting in line to get food and there M. was, who tried to scare us from behind. A little friendly chat with him and R. brightened up my mood. Came across with some Asian guy whom E. had met at Blacks Beach. Disinterested, I said nothing but hello, then looked away, feigning to be drawn at something else. I figured the only way for me to withstand E.'s idiotic narcissism is to be like one, and more myself. To beat him at uttering the word 'I'. I tried, on my conversation, to use the word 'I' as much as I could, and sure enough, by the end of the night he could not stand me any longer. He seemed to me worn out, subdued, beaten up by my supposed irrationality. It delighted me however.