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2014-12-17 07:07:40 (UTC)

12/16/2014

A lot of things has happened these past few months that I cannot even-- I don't even know where to begin to account. But to make it easier for myself, I will remain upon recent happenings.

I have a job interview to go to tomorrow at 10:30AM. Will it rain tomorrow? I wonder. My car's lights isn't working: both signal lights, and the headlights and break lights on the right side too. Most likely it was the rain that caused the malfunction. The fuse box is situated at the outmost side of the passenger's side which is easily exposed to the rainwater when I open the door. Oh dear, I cannot think nor write. It has been a long day. I woke up early this morning after a night of brawl with E., who was drunk and kept me up past midnight last night. Indeed, he was so drunk that he literally does not remember anything from last night, so what he says. He claims to have had a blackout, which is for the better, for I'd rather have him not remember anything anyway, especially a stupid, silly, drunken and senseless night as he had. K. is currently staying with us. I'm sure he had heard us fight-- if fight we so had-- but I would rather really call it a bout of drunkenness from E. I on my part was just frustrated and am finally learning to stand up for myself. Lately I have been telling myself, 'Everything I do, I do for myself.' I am done thinking, worrying about other people when in the end I am left with nothing. It is about time indeed that I need to fend for myself, look after myself, do things that will benefit me in the long run. I feel good when I do good things to myself, and think good things about myself.

Phone interview at 4PM. I did alright. If anything I am learning not to take myself or things too seriously in the process of my finding employment. Rather, I must always take notes and learn from whatever experience I go through. For never have I been before this motivated and willing to improve, to progress, to have more in life than what I have been doing these past eight years, dependent upon E. I wish to be able to be independent. It is only good. I want to be an adult. to rely on myself. To make my own decisions. To have a room of my own-- life, thinking, actions-- not be bounded repressively by looking over my shoulders every time to see if E. approves this or that, if he likes it or not, or my assumption at other people's criticisms, judgments about myself, etc. It is all insanity and I am done and tired of it. I want to be healthy minded. Be mindful. Be aware. There is nothing to persecute. Nobody is out to get me, or harm me-- I don't want to think that way or live that way any longer. There is nothing really to fear or be anxious about. Only I have created such phantoms upon my mind. And only I can undo all these things.

so tomorrow I am to get up at 9AM and get to where I need to be at at the appointed time for my job interview. Perhaps to stop by at CDM as a walk-in applicant too.

Cooked homemade chicken and noodle soup today from scratch which turned out more wonderful than I expected. At first I slightly panicked for I forgot to cut up the whole chicken and boiled it whole instead. E., who is feeling sick (from over-drinking, etc.) savored the soup much. But why do I put up a wall just when I feel even the slightest affection towards him? Pain. I don't want to be pained from loving him. Many a time did we feel pain towards each other, that I am sure. I am aware of his wishes and his secret (though it is no secret to me) exchange of emails to someone-- let him call it penpal but from what I have read it seems to me to be a brooding prospect of a life wherein I wouldn't be involved. Yet no matter; a part of me says I am over him. And such is my working hard to establish myself from scratch at twenty seven. So be it. I only wish to remain strong, focused and so I could achieve, achieve, achieve, all for myself. But who knows what the future holds? That's why I want to be finally in control of myself so I could perhaps envision at least a future independent and personal I alone am responsible and accountable for. Yes; such thinking is a sign of me growing, becoming mature, responsible, out there for myself, good to myself. Signing off. Till then.