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2013-03-03 07:23:39 (UTC)

Writing in here to clear off..

Writing in here to clear off my head. C. is watching TV in the living room while I sit here with my laptop in the dining table. I am to work tomorrow from noon to five. What do I honestly feel about this work? That it is a learning experience in itself. And the truth is I don't have any long term commitments to myself yet. Perhaps it is difficult transitioning to an adult so late in age, if twenty five so is--- and I am turning twenty six in a few days--- but I suppose that once I get passed this struggle establishing myself as one---- then it would be good from there; I will comfortably and securely stand on my own two feet as an adult.

My worries eat me up like insuperable maggots feeding on a carcass. And how at times I panic as if a starkly unfortunate revelation that I have become simply friendless; void of peers. I am an island; a recluse. I feel it so no matter though I live with C. Sure, S. and M. hang out here once a week, but above it all I feel lonely. I am constricted by my mindset, my addiction, my situation. And perhaps to feel honestly the pang of this loneliness, to strip a personal hubris and truthfully admit that I suffer. Am I morbid? Can't I just help myself? Yes; I say. I have a job now and will take it seriously. Anyhow, such and other topics are the things that I should talk about to I., whom I am to see for the first time this Monday. C. is right, that it is not weakness that one should consult a professional help. Though where am I headed to? I can't even envision myself a year from now. Such is what I genuinely lack--- this ability to plan ahead; to have goals; to know where one is headed to; etc. so perhaps I wouldn't feel as lost.